037- Colleen Pelar
Brought to you by Time to Pet. Go to timetopet.com/confessional for 50% off your first 3 months
Burn out sucks. It’s something we all experience as pet sitters. So how do we identify, overcome, and help others with it? Colleen Pelar joins us for a wonderful discussion around compassion fatigue, the warning signs, and steps to stay mindful.
Topics in this episode:
Why pet sitters burn out so quickly
What is compassion fatigue
What are the warning signs and what’s my first step to get help
What is a resilience program
Why “toughen up” isn’t helpful
About our guest
Colleen is on a mission to help pet sitters. She is helping pet professionals feel valued, supported, and energized through resilience programs designed to combat burnout and compassion fatigue. She spent 20 years helping corporations and business deal with stress overload and burn out, but is now focusing on where she started, pet professionals. She hit a wall and wants to help others avoid it.
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A VERY ROUGH TRANSCRIPT OF THE EPISODE
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SUMMARY KEYWORDS
people, clients, pet, burnout, feel, emotions, pet sitter, appointment, reviews, helpful, colleen, professionals, moment, thinking, person, schedule, talk, reach, contrived, recognize
SPEAKERS
Collin, Colleen
00:17
I'm Collin and I'm Meghan.
00:19
And this is pet sitter confessional.
00:21
An open and honest discussion about life as a pet sitter
Collin 00:24
brought to you by time to pet. Well, hello and welcome back this week we are talking all about burnout with the wonderful Colleen coach and podcast host. Colleen is on a mission to help professionals feel valued, supported and energized. Colleen, thank you so much for coming on our show that today. Can you please introduce yourself and tell us about what you do?
Colleen 00:46
Sure, Collin. Thanks for having me. sort of funny having a colon and a Colleen on the same show. I'm Colleen feeler. And I was a dog trainer for 20 years, and I wrote three books on kitten dog relationships, the one that was Probably most well known is living with kids and dogs without losing your mind. And now I run programs and coaching, helping pet professionals of all types, handle, manage the stress and find more joy so that they can continue making a difference without burning themselves out because so many pet professionals are really struggling these days.
Collin 01:18
Yeah, it really is a chronic problem. Why are you so passionate about helping professionals specifically? I am
Colleen 01:28
passionate about pet threshold specifically because these are my people. I mean, honestly, that's that's the big part. I had my own battles with burnout and compassion fatigue. And for a while I was working with a seminar company, doing sessions for all sorts of clients that were completely unrelated. So I did lots of government work, you know, Verizon and the FBI and FEMA, and those were fun and interesting and engaging, but they didn't connect with me on a soul level. Then when I would do sessions with veterinary groups or rescue groups, there was more, more of me showed up. And I felt like there was more benefit there. And I was a little afraid to dive into that group because I knew how much pain was there. But it's been really, really worthwhile and rewarding. Yeah,
Collin 02:19
so so why, what about being a pet professional makes us so exhausted and burnout so quickly?
Colleen 02:27
Well, I think the biggest thing is that there's so much passion for serving the animals, which is wonderful. We get a lot of benefits from interacting with them and connecting with them. But it is a profession where we have to love people to that part can be a little trickier for many of us. Yeah. And we have to really connect with the people in ways that help us because if we don't we get into these situations and I I can't tell you how many pets that are I've talked to who say, this is my most annoying client, but I love the animal. So I have to keep bending over backwards and accepting late payments and letting them change my schedule all the time because I don't want the animal to suffer. Right. And that's a really valid point. But it puts you between a rock and a hard place when you are making your choices based on someone else's needs. And so there has to be a ways of creating boundaries where where everyone wins.
Collin 03:29
Yeah, because so often in this industry, we hear I'm, I'm not a people person, I'm an I'm an animal person. But in the business side of things, you're interacting with people constantly, you know, we don't you don't exist in a vacuum, you're not just taking care of that. And that can if you don't have all the good coping mechanisms or good supports in place, you can really start to get hurt, you know, emotionally and everything else.
03:57
Yes,
03:58
absolutely. You talk a lot
Collin 04:00
about burnout. But you also make a distinction between burnout and compassion fatigue, why is Why do you make that difference?
Colleen 04:09
Um, I think that, that we could probably use them interchangeably if we're if we're staying away from science and the literature. For most people, burnout is a great overall label. But if we're thinking about what the distinctions are, burnout is about circumstances. It's about not having enough of something. Not enough time, not enough sleep, not the right team, not the right. Experience is not the right schedule. You're just running on empty and you can't handle it. compassion fatigue is about the stories and your heart. So today, just before we spoke, I was talking to a trainer who had been having a consultation with a family that's really been struggling for many years with a very, very aggressive dogs, and there isn't a lot of hope that they're going to be able to turn this situation around smoothly. And the family has also recently lost the husband and father after a short illness and they're having all of the trauma of that. And now this incredibly aggressive situation with their dog. Yeah, the trainer is not upset about how do I schedule these appointments? What kind of training mechanism should I use for this? What kind of treats will work best for the dog? She's worried about? How do I help these people who are currently in agony? Yeah. And they're turning to me to say save me and I can't save that compassion fatigue.
Collin 05:41
Yeah, and and we do find ourselves in that position. More than I think we even like to admit because this is this is something that people are very passionate about, and you become very emotionally entangled with your clients and you become part of their family and, and really good friends sometimes and you can wind up in the situations where you just, you don't know what to do because you want to help, but what can you and how should you in that kind of stuff
06:07
cite? Bosh right?
Colleen 06:09
And how do you process and move through the emotions like which parts of that are yours to sit with the person in that tough moment and which parts are yours to hold later. And for me, I wasn't able to let things go later, right? Like I was really good at sitting with people in the tough conversation. And I'm really good at replaying that tough conversation in my head for weeks on end. That's the
Collin 06:35
unhealthy part. That's the part that that we're wired to do. It's normal. But it's not helpful. Because we have to just do the best we can in that situation and make choices but not keep living in that situation. Right. And as you touched on earlier of also having healthy boundaries and making the decision. Should I be investing in this right now. And if you do decide that, you know, it's coming Have that like, I like to think of it as like the 10 x rule? If you do it one time, would you be willing to do it 10 more times? And is it that healthy for you? And where do you start drawing those lines? Yes.
07:13
So what are sorry, you can go ahead?
Colleen 07:16
Well, I was thinking the 10 x rule is a really helpful one for people to keep in mind in the book, the willpower instinct by
07:24
Jill McGonigal maybe
Colleen 07:27
there's an experience where it's talking about how we we give in today, two things that we're totally going to be good about tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm going to hold this boundary but today today is okay. So one thing to try is to say okay, if I you know, if I have a Snickers at three o'clock this afternoon, then I have to have a Snickers tomorrow at three o'clock in the afternoon. And today I don't I don't want one tomorrow. today. I'm really clear that tomorrow is a good day to not have a Snickers in the afternoon. And so That might help me today, not to make that choice. And so when you're doing the 10 x thing, it's the same concept that if I say to a client, I need to have, you know, my schedule set a minimum of whatever your limit is 12 hours in advance absolute bare minimum, I will not take changes after 12 hours. But today, someone calls you up and you make that change. Then what if you said to yourself, okay, so then the next nine times they do this, I also have to agree, your brain is gonna go No, no,
08:31
no, no, no. Yeah. But today isn't as strong. Yeah, so
Colleen 08:37
it's a really helpful framework and not want to be discounted.
Collin 08:43
Yeah, it's just start adding zeros to number of times amount of money, you're going to spend on something and you can really start to see Ooh, that's not that's not scale. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So what are some early warning signs that you're approaching this burnout, compassion fatigue,
Colleen 09:00
But one of the biggest ones we've already touched on a little bit is that we get really tired of the people. We get cranky about the people, we feel frustrated with the people. And those could be people on our team or they could be our clients, but just the human aspects of it. We start feeling disconnected and misunderstood. like nobody appreciates everything I do. I work so hard, and nobody even cares. They just think that all just come around, do that. That kind of stuff comes out all the time when people are starting to to hit the edges because burnout and compassion fatigue are sort of the end stages of chronic stress. So some of the other things that will crop up are health problems, physical ailments, you'll be eight year you'll have more headaches, you may not sleep as well. You'll just feel sort of perpetually exhausted, depleted. You'll be prone to all the numbing behaviors, whatever your numbing behaviors are, so it might be, oh, I'm going to binge watch an entire series of something because I don't feel like getting off the couch or Could be I'm going to, you know, drink a six pack after dinner and and not feel anything. So what these kinds of pieces are, they crop up differently for different people. But for most of us, we don't notice them in ourselves right away, we need someone else to start saying, hey, you're not as sunny as he used to be. You're not as light hearted. You seem to be a little your jokes have an edge now that they didn't use. And some of those things can be really helpful when someone points out to
Collin 10:29
us. Right. Great. So I'm sure many of our listeners just listened to that list that you went through and started checking them off going Oh, no. Oh, no. Ah, so what's some of the first steps that you could take as an as an individual to start seeking some help in in rectify?
10:50
I think the
Colleen 10:51
very first thing is to sort of recognize when you're feeling depleted that it's okay to take a break. I realized that's shocking. that no one's ever told you that before. But that's one of those things that we believe for other people and not for ourselves. So if you had a friend who was a pet sitter who was running herself ragged doing all of the things you wouldn't say to her, Well, you should definitely not take a day off, right? But if someone said to you, oh, I think you need to schedule some time off, you would say, I can't, I can't. I don't have time for that. So yes, one of the things that we should think about is recognizing the science and then asking, and, and this sounds silly, but asking what do I need? And listening to the answer that comes up? Because it will probably help you identify what you should do next. And immediately after whatever comes up, you may come up with all the reasons why you can't or you shouldn't or that's not really your answer. Yeah. That's important to Yeah. So if you if you just get quiet for a minute, you say what do I need? And you say, I need a break? Okay, that's your answer. Or you might say, I need to go for a hike. Okay, yeah. And then your brain goes, Well, you don't have time for a hike or you don't need a break or notice. So that that big piece of noticing it and then finding someone to talk to, even if you don't do that thing that you need, finding someone to talk to, to tell them what you're thinking and feeling is really helpful. And that's where a friend, a coach or a therapist can be really helpful. It's so valuable to be able to put into words, some of what you're feeling as internal sensations.
Collin 12:37
Yeah, yeah, I think the key for that was to me was to take some time to just be still just to just sit and be for a little bit because we're running around from client doing walks, drop ins, all sorts of things, boarding in our home, trying to maintain a social life and family life and all of this stuff and If you never sit and just listen to what to what you need, and take that quiet moment, just, you know, five minutes, could you do it in five minutes, you know that kind of, if you never do that, you'll never be able to start processing this, these emotions and these and really what your what your body's telling you needs to happen. So I really like that. Just be be, be still be still. And that's that's it
Colleen 13:26
and you can squeeze it into really small moments like you said, you know, five minutes I was talking to someone this week and she said that she built in a little wiggle room between her appointments just in case of traffic. So she often finds herself parking one street away so that she's not someone's driveway and doing a breathing meditation for two minutes, three minutes, four minutes, whatever she has, whatever her will room was, and she said it just gives her a chance to recenter herself and show up at her next appointment thinking only about the next appointment and not about all the ones that you have Do all the emails she has to return and all that other stuff. And for many people, those moments of quiet are deeply uncomfortable.
Collin 14:08
Guilty.
Colleen 14:11
And that's important to know too because if you don't know that, then you go to the well that works for other people. But that's, that's a that doesn't help me at all. It doesn't help you cuz you need it. There's a there's a meditation quote that's like some, you know, someone asked a Buddhist monk, how much do people meditate? And he said, what everybody should meditate at least 10 minutes a day, unless you don't have time. And then you should do 20 I saw Oh, that's true. And when I started meditating three was really long for me. uncomfortable and I would be like, I'm really come. Oh, wait, I have to write that down. I just thought of something. So calm, very peaceful. No, wait, wait, wait. Yeah. So learning to be comfortable in these little moments of quiet. You don't you don't have to say I Need an hour of quiet? Yeah, it taking two minutes and really just having to quiet minutes has value and is a skill well worth developing? Yeah,
Collin 15:08
yeah. And because that just immediately combats that excuse of I don't have time well, busy people actually need more of this than anybody else in need to find carve out that time and, and whether it's 30 seconds, whether it's a minute right before you go into the door, because as you mentioned, when you've got stacked up appointments back to back to back to back back there is this snowball effect of that first clients door didn't open right, so you're a little agitated in that second one that you go into the dog is just not obeying today. And, and then by the time you reach that last client, you're just, you know, ah, you know, really agitated and if you haven't taken these, these stop, break measures in between to say, what happened in the past to happen. I'm not going to put that on this next one, and you can really catch some of these emotions and Things that you're dealing with throughout the dance of having to all of a sudden unload or do whatever at the very end was numbing mechanism. mechanisms you'd mentioned very early as, you know, preventing that to get to that point.
16:11
Yes,
Colleen 16:12
yes. And I think it's really valuable and tremendously underestimated. And that is one of the problems with any of the strategies and techniques that that people talk about for resilience is it's really tempting to say we and I tried that.
16:30
Because their
Colleen 16:31
practices like I assume, yesterday, you were hungry, and you ate. But that clearly didn't work. Because today you're hungry again. It was a waste of your time. So, no, some of these things are little, little resets in your day, little ways of saying, okay, stress happens. Nobody's going to avoid that. There's no perfect blissful utopia where we get to go Yeah, look at me, I've achieved it. But if you get the skills You can kind of go, Well, that was terrible.
17:02
That was just the pits. It was horrible.
Colleen 17:03
And I can go, Well, I learned a lot from that appointment, and I don't I have things I can do differently. So that won't happen again. And I don't need to bring that stress into my next appointment, right? That's resilience is just kind of going bad did not work. What will I do differently next time? It's sort of a learning in that moment.
Collin 17:21
Yeah, I like I like that. It's a continual learning process, because a lot of people ask me, they see the word resilience program and they go, Oh, isn't that just, you know, self care or what what in the world is that? But it's a continual daily. But taking those moments to be mindful and go, Okay, what worked? What didn't work? Why, what, what did I have control over? So that next time I can be a little bit better, and whether in fact, you know, if you don't have control over anything, it's just a matter of going. I don't have control over anything and being and knowing that so you're not constantly fighting with this this battle, but they're all
Colleen 17:57
right. And when you don't have control over anything. You still have control over your attitude yourself. Yeah. And some of the ways you're going to show up in this experience. And, and let me add in there, that is a learned skill as well. So when I say we can control our thoughts and our feelings and our actions and our emotions, those kinds of things,
18:23
we can't
Colleen 18:24
always sometimes we're hooked. And we go off I got reeled in, whoops, that happened. But it is something we can learn to do. We are wired. we're wired for a level of resilience. We're wild. we're wired to bounce back to where we were, you know, like, fine, we can get you back to fine. Everybody can come back to here we are. Fine. Yeah. But if you want to get better than fine, you're going to have to work a little bit against your natural programming, because our brains are wired to always be going what could go wrong, what could be bad here and if you spend all of your time and That mode where you're constantly scanning the environment for how many emails or I have to respond to oh my gosh, I need more clients Oh, this that, that all the threats. You're, you're gonna, okay you'll bounce back to fine, but it's a really rough life. But if you can learn to learn how to use tools to move yourself forward and make deliberate choices about what you're going to change and do and grow from, that's where the fun comes in. And that's where the changes stick so that it isn't so much work anymore.
Collin 19:34
Yeah. And one of those big things you mentioned early on is having somebody to talk to in in in the pet care industry lonely is a word that's very common. Why I'm sure a lot of us know this but but what about this profession makes it so lonely and and what are some ways we can cope and combat those feelings day in and day out?
Colleen 19:58
Yeah, I think lonely. is something that we are under estimating as a culture, the statistics, they did research and I'm not 100% sure of the numbers, but it's something like 45% of people report as feeling lonely. And that years ago, most people, the majority, I don't recall percentages, said that they had two to three people that they could call when they wanted to talk about something and that now, it's less than half say they have one to two people that they could call. So just in the shift in culture, over the last 2530 years, things have changed, that we're more disconnected some of the things that help us so much also make us more disconnected. So telecommuting, and and driving all around and doing all the appointments. Oh, look, anyone can reach me anytime because I have a phone. Yeah, well, no, because they're not reaching you. Or if they are reaching you, they're reaching you in a sort of a distant an alienating way like this. Social media. That's not real connection. So it's tempting probably to flip through Facebook or Twitter when you're between appointments. Here I am on Instagram looking at images, I'm seeing all these people, these are my friends, but you feel lonelier, because you're not actually no one's seeing you No one's seeing inside you. Nobody's connecting. Whereas a conversation matters so much. Just Just as I was mentioning before about the the woman I was speaking to earlier today. We had a whole conversation about this really difficult client. It was not a fun conversation for either of us. But I think we both felt really good to have been able to
21:43
talk.
Colleen 21:44
So pet sitters are in a really tough thing because they're on a time schedule and they're running from appointment to appointment to appointment, and they're talking to non human species. They're probably talking all the time, and that those animals are absolutely communicating back but They are not communicating to you on the adult intellectual level that you may crave. And so it's not filling the same need. Animals fill an incredible need for us, but it doesn't feel your human social need to spend all of your time with animals.
Collin 22:17
Yeah. And you really touched on you know, the social media aspect too is it's very easy to get caught up in no scroll like scroll, like scroll, like scroll like, Wow, look at all those shared experiences. I just didn't didn't have with anybody. Right. Yeah. And, and contrast that with taking one day a month to say I'm going to have coffee with my best friend in the morning on a Saturday. And I'm going to set aside two hours. And we're just going to talk about anything and everything or nothing. And just to it sounds, it sounds a little contrived to schedule social interactions like that. But yeah, but if you have no if, if you have nowhere to start, it's the best place Start of
23:01
absolute day month,
Collin 23:02
nit, you know, and in try to start from there to start interacting with people around you in a in a non business way. Because if most the time you're interacting with clients a lot of times on a daily basis, a lot of it can be just business. I was here I did this, this is what happened. Okay. See you tomorrow. There. You know, there are other interactions that happen there, obviously. But you know, the if the preponderance of your interactions is business or non existent, you can really get this big deficit where you do feel isolated. And it's hard to reach out from that once you go past a certain point.
Colleen 23:36
Yes. And when you're saying about it being contrived, I think that it's almost imperative these days, to have it be contrived. Because we are all so busy, and we are all juggling so many things, that if you don't make a commitment, and get it on your calendar, and then you call a friend and say, Oh, I'm free on Saturday for coffee and they go oh, Saturday. Yeah, that won't work for me. But I could do Tuesday. You're like, I didn't save Tuesday. Yeah. So sometimes you have to set a date farther out and say, Okay, we're both shooting towards this one. Or you have to make a regularly occurring thing with in our area, we used to have what we called lunch bunch with a bunch of dog trainers. And we would come from, I think was like 70 mile radius. It was a, it was a big radius. But we had a set schedule, so whoever could come could come and whoever could not come one, sorry. That's unfortunate. We hope you'll be here at the next time. But it was something that we could all look at our calendar and go, Ah, that's the time and then when we started moving the date around and getting wiggly, that's when it fell apart. So it was awesome. Well, it lasted. And it didn't last. It lasted for a number of years. It was great, but it didn't last forever. It's not still going on because it was not contrived any longer. It wasn't a set thing that we can all plan for. And another thing that's important with this is When we are too busy, when we are stressed, we are very likely to jettison all of the things that make us feel better. So we don't have time for dinner with a friend. I don't have time for that. Oh, it's time for that. Yeah. Uh, you need time for that you need to make time for that. Because if you don't, you'll feel worse. I don't have time to take an afternoon off and go for a walk. I don't have time to go see a movie. I don't have time to do my bookkeeping. I don't have time is, is a really common excuse. But if this would make you feel better, you don't have time not. Yeah. So an analogy I use a lot is if you had a friend who was a violinist, and she left her, you know, she just treated her violin terribly. She would just leave it in the backseat of the car and the sun would beat down on it. And occasionally she'd leave it on the front porch where it didn't get wet, but it was in the moisture and she didn't tune it very often. And she started complaining that her violin wasn't so good. You probably needed to know why.
26:01
You would be tempted to say,
Colleen 26:04
Wow, you don't really treat your violin very well. Yeah, well, for most pet professionals, and certainly pet sitters, you're the violin. Like if you're not taking care of your health, if you're not taking care of your emotional needs and your social needs, and your connection to others, you're going to burn out. And then all of those clients that you've been pulling yourself so thin to serve, are going to be in a real lurch. Yeah.
26:32
That doesn't help anyone.
Colleen 26:34
Who How is that good sense? Yeah. And intellectually, we all know that for other people. It's awfully hard to hear for ourselves.
26:41
That's fun.
Colleen 26:42
No, it's not fun. Yeah, so schedule be contrived, find some time to do the things that fill you up
Collin 26:51
very well. And I think when when you put something on your pen and paper or in the calendar of your phone, all of a sudden you're elevating that priority. level, right? And then and then whether you keep that or not tells you if it was a priority. And and so part of that process can be, you mentioned stress, people drop what they love the most the very first thing because they need to be working on this other stuff. So they think so taking that time to make that priority list and go, what must I do every day? What who must I be with every day? And then it becomes a lot easier when you need to start saying no, a lot of this comes down to when do you start introducing that terrible word that nobody wants to say ever? No, no, I can't, I can't add another walk. I can't add another drop in today. I'm booked. That's really scary for a pet sitter is to say no to somebody because that's that's business and it's just, it's just a little bit more time and Okay, I'll go to sleep a little bit later and I won't have dinner with the family or I'll miss that thing. Those can get pushed aside and you start losing these priorities that you had in search of service in search of, you know, this passion that you have, and in where and taking that moment to step back and go, where's my balance? Where can I Where can I read level here?
Colleen 28:11
Yes. And and recognizing that if you make a commitment to yourself, and you don't honor it, and I'm so guilty of this I am not. I am not saying I'm good at this. Yeah. So you make a commitment to yourself and then you don't honor it. You're like, Oh, look, I do have an opening on my calendar that time that I was going to take for me I can totally give to you. Yeah. shows you something about your people pleasing skills, about your anxieties about your, you know, what, what are you hustling to earn here? So it's not just earning your living, but are you hustling for work? Are you hustling for acknowledgement? Are you Where are you prioritizing other needs? That maybe you should at least look at those. Look at the choices you're making. Because now and then we all make it That's fine. I'm not saying that. But if you're consistently a person who does not honor your commitments to yourself, but you would never let someone else down, which, quite frankly, is most professionals. But that is something worth exploring and looking at and seeing how can you live your values? across the board? Yeah. And show up as yourself in all the areas of your life and you'll be you will be better for it. Absolutely better for it. Yeah,
Collin 29:25
yeah. 100% is just taking that time because a lot of times you can look at that time that you had just have blank on your calendar of just me time or or, you know, I'm going to meditate or I'm going to spend some time socializing as I'm not doing anything, right. I'm not doing anything. It's like, that's the whole point. Right? Except you are doing so much more because you are being reflective about the day you are investing in others and yourself at the same time. So while that time can look blank because that's doesn't have time codes and everybody that you're going to be meeting or all the clients can be watching. It is so important to try and hold that in. Yeah. It happens where you overbooked yourself in those kind of things. So there's some personal forgiveness to yourself from time to time. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's just recognizing that, you know, you should be taking some time to invest that way.
Colleen 30:19
And that's where that whole learning piece comes in. So because we aren't always going to do things right and so you can say, Well, I didn't handle this part as well as i wanted to i overbooked myself, and just hypothetically Let's set an example. So you over your book yourself during the holiday season, and you can say, I overbooked myself during the holiday season because it was the holiday season and that is my busy time of year and I'm okay with that. Yeah. Or I overbooked myself on Tuesday because I wasn't actually juggling everything right. And I need to to really spend some time on Sundays and look at the calendar, look at my schedule and decide Where the pockets of time are that I need to protect? And then I need to make sure I block those off. So one is a case of circumstance and you're just going to say like, this is my busy season. Fine, that's fine. Yeah, but it does mean that we need to balance it in other times in and that we can't just I think for many of us, we just let that time that could be restorative sort of seep away, and we don't know where it went and we think we had no time but it really went into Instagram or Facebook or Netflix because we were just plugged into something but not actually recharging
Collin 31:33
right. Have you heard about time to pet Dan from NYC pooch as this to say I'm Tibet has been a total game changer for us. It's helped us streamline many aspects of our operation from scheduling and communication to billing and customer management. We actually tested other editing software's in the past, but these other solutions were clunky and riddled with problems. Everything in town decried has been so well thought out. It's intuitive to You're rich and it's always improving. If you were looking for new pet sitting software for your business, give time to pet a try. As a listener of pet sitter confessional, you'll get 50% off your first three months when you sign up at type two pet.com slash confessional. Another side of that social media is you know, we all tend to have websites or postings where people can leave reviews and whether good or not good. As soon as you finish a sitting a client, it's like, okay, what's going to come in? What are they going to say? And you can have this anxiety where you are pulling to refresh quite frequently are looking for those emails. What did they say about me? What are people anybody tagged me in these posts and kind of chase down this, this need for either either validation or in some instances, it's just wanting to maintain a good standing that you have with people and that's, you know, that's obviously very honorable to make sure that you're confident Consistently providing the best quality of service. But sometimes we can get caught up in this loop of chasing after reviews on social media and it can really start to dig into that time where you should be investing in other stuff.
Colleen 33:12
Yes, it really can. And it can dig into your peace of mind. Yeah, too. So your your time but also your peace of mind because, like let's have a hypothetical review here. So the review says Collin was awesome. He showed up on time he walked my, my geriatric dog so slowly around the block and might let my dog sniff everything and when it came back in, he gave her a biscuit and it was really sweet and you left a little muddy footprint by my door before you locked up and left. What part of that are you gonna remember in two weeks,
33:49
money footprint,
Colleen 33:51
money footprint, and our brains are wired for that and and first off once we know that that's helpful. Yeah. So just from Recognizing that that was basically a glowing review. And the money footprint wasn't even necessarily complained. It was just a comment. You know, he didn't say I was I, the only thing I was annoyed about was she just said, you know, he laughed. But because our brains are wired for that, if you get anything that's sort of iffy on social media, or a little bit off, you will focus on it, and you will be like, Oh, you know, and so it's, it's the kind of piece where we have to know that and we have to say, how much emphasis do I put into reviews and, and because we do we all use reviews. I read reviews a lot and I have a tendency to look for the like on Amazon. I'll look for the three star reviews because they liked it, but they didn't love it. So I'm curious there you liked it, but you didn't love it. Tell me Tell me more. But there are some reviews that are like the one star they were terrible. And all that. And you look at those and you're like, well, you're clearly just having a bad day. You're mad because the envelope got damaged in shipping that has nothing to do with the book, right? Or you're mad because of it. And so if you get one of those ugly diatribe reviews, odds are the average person reading it is going to go. That has more to do with the writer. Yeah. Then the service provider. Yeah. As a service provider, it still feels awful. But most of us, the public out there looking can go poo. That person's on edge. Yeah. And this might not be about the pet sitter. Yeah.
Collin 35:37
Yeah. Again, that gets back to the like, well, I don't know. It's kind of the inverse of Well, that's good for somebody else. It's, well, I'm the only one who sees what was intended here. Nobody else will see what this person was actually trying to get across. But we all do it. You as you mentioned, everybody reads those Amazon reviews and goes Wow, why did they even buy this product? It didn't sound like he was going to work for them at all like that. Didn't even guess isn't even what they wanted. And, and those three star reviews Okay, well, what didn't what would have bumped it up it knowing that everybody does that. And it can be very freeing whenever you might get a review that's not absolutely 100% glowing and adoring and lifting you up on the biggest pedestal right because everybody reads those and goes, Oh, okay, they make judgment calls and go, that's reasonable, I can see that. So I think that knowing that going into it when you get that is, people people can see that for what it is and and are going to be able to take an honest look.
Colleen 36:33
Yes. And if you have one that's bugging you, and it's just sticking in your craw, share it with a friend, talk to the friend about it. And then say to your friend, if you got a review like this, what would I say to you? And then actually think about you know, this is your friend who you care about and you think is a good person. What would you say to them? I don't want you to be like team them, you're ticked off to I want you to be thinking about what, what is helpful in this moment. And what is helpful in this moment varies depending on the person, and all those things. But often we can give really good advice to other people that we do not follow ourselves. So sometimes it could be a little bit of putting some language around it just talking to someone about it is helpful. Even if nothing changes, someone will have heard you and heard your pain and hurt and said, Oh, I'm so sorry that that nasty review went out that person must have just been completely off their rocker that night.
37:33
And probably the person was,
Colleen 37:35
right. We've all seen those reviews, right?
Collin 37:38
Yeah. Everyone has that experience and that feeling of not being alone in that there's that word again. So you're not alone in these experiences. So let's say you have some, maybe a friend that is suffering from some of this burnout, this compassion fatigue that has exhibiting the signs of being consumed by social media and reviews What are some things that we can do to help support each other? And through through recovery or however you want to phrase that as of supporting them through that?
Colleen 38:11
That's a great question. And it's a really important one. I think one important thing for us to acknowledge right at the beginning is that we will all have periods where we're up in periods when we're down. And the more we normalize that, the more helpful it will be. And the more we recognize that periods when you're down or something that you can come back from, that makes it more likely that you'll be able to help someone else when they're in a period when they're down. Because that's a big piece. So when your friend is struggling, I think one really helpful thing to do is just sort of check in and ask them how they're doing. very kindly and gently mentioning any changes you might have seen. So you know, how are you you don't seem to laugh as much as you used to, or as you've been so tired lately. Are you getting enough sleep? Something like that? Or if it feels like you're feeling you're really impatient is something going on and trying not to be you know judgy like What's up with you? But I'm concerned about you. This isn't like you Yeah, the UI know isn't impatient with people isn't always dragging himself around isn't always, you know, humorless. Yeah, you might say that way. And it can help people start to go. Oh, you're right. I can't think of the last time I had the big hard belly laugh or, oh, I I am more impatient with people. But it's not me. It's all of them. Oh, really? Yeah. Let's think about that. So so being being there for them doesn't. You don't want it to be in any way confrontational. So you want to normalize experience, we all have ups we all have downs. If you're in a down Can I help you come up because when I'm going to down I hope you'll help me come up and pointing out the ways you see difference from who you know them to be. Gently and kindly. So they may not hear it in that moment, but they'll hear it.
Collin 40:14
Yeah. Yeah, I think and being that genuine concern does come across in that you may not feel like it again this like, oh, how are they going to perceive that but if you're genuinely concerned about where someone is headed, speak up about it and ask them as you said, This is not like your This isn't how I remember you being a couple months ago, what was changed? You know, is there anything I can you know, what do you what do you need? You know, we need to be asking ourselves that question, but sometimes it needs to come from external first. Get that person thinking get them prompting, yes. Like, I'm always agitated. I you know, and then when someone says, What do you need? It's like, I I don't know what I need, huh? Yeah, you know, that that can so being knowing that. That's one of the first steps of reaching out to people in this being being concerned.
Colleen 41:00
Yes. And it is not at all uncommon for people to know what many others need and not know for themselves what they need. So pet professionals and pet sitters are caretakers. So you're always wired for what should I be doing to help? Who should I be taken care of, and not turning that focus back inward? So it's not uncommon for someone not to be able to answer that question. What do I need? Yeah. And and also, I think the more people share their own personal struggles, the more it normalizes it? Yes. When I was having trouble, I sort of felt like it was just me being a wimp, because nobody had said sometimes I really hate this job. Yeah. Oh, really. This job that I love that I've spent a lifetime pursuing sometimes I really hate it.
Collin 41:50
Yeah. Don't tell anybody but tell everybody kind of thing
Colleen 41:54
where you feel that there's hard part and you know, that makes the hard parts easier. Carefully though, because if we all get down, then we get into the negative, right? And then it becomes the us versus them. tylose. Well, you know, the clients are just terrible. Or as as a dog trainer, I used to marvel that we had the most awesome clients. We had incredible clients. And I would go to conferences, and people would be like, Oh, yeah, the worst clients? And I would think, how can that be? Because our clients are amazing. Yeah. And then the more I realized, I was like, Oh, no, it's not that my clients are better than your clients is that my, my group's attitude about people in general and about the experience and about the work across the board is usually higher than yours, we are less depleted. And so that's an important piece, because when you're sharing with people, you want to make sure that we're not just sitting in the cesspool and rehashing the bad stuff, but always exploring and looking well. What do I need? What would change what can we do next time? Yeah, how can we do this differently? Yeah,
Collin 42:59
yeah. growling you Growing is that is so is the key to that it's Yes, get down in the mud, share really sit with those those uncomfortable feelings you know as you did earlier and go I don't like being here, down here in the mud in the mire in the murk but that's where you got to be if you're going to grow, right, you've got to really get that work in so that you have someplace to go up and then start looking up and outward and going, Okay, where's next? What do I need? How can I move forward? And, and part of that sometimes, you can get in that mindset of when you're down there in the in the dark places of, well, I just need to toughen up. I just need to get my teeth I just need to grin and bear it. That's, that's not really growth or helpful. And, you know,
Colleen 43:48
now and yet that's how many of us feel definitely how I felt. So many times I was told that I needed to toughen up, but I was, you know, too soft or too emotional. And the thing about it Emotions is there really aren't good or bad emotions. There are comfortable and uncomfortable emotions. And they're all there to teach us things. So when you're angry, it inspires you to take an action, there's something that you think needs to be changed. So get to work changing. Don't just be angry about it, but get to work changing it. things that make us sad, recognize loss and connection, and how can we feel a connection to feel less sad? So the more we recognize that emotions are always guiding us in some way they're communicating with us, the more we can figure out what it is we need to learn to ride the emotions and to to use an analogy I heard be a slide for them to let them you know, go through us and and pass along and move to the next thing rather than a sponge where we absorb them in and hold them tight and stay with it. Yeah. So learning to be able to consciously shift your emotion to a more positive A comfortable experience is a really valuable skill to have, but not at the expense of denying the negative emotion. recognize it, see what is teaching you do something, and then learn to shift is is a real valuable thing. And knowing how to do that is not natural. I think we are doing a slightly better job of teaching children how to do this. There's much more information about communicating about emotions with children now than was before, but we are wired for negativity. So you're probably going to need some books or some helpers, some people to talk to. You're not just gonna naturally go Oh, look, I have a new skill set because I decided it takes practice. Mm hmm.
Collin 45:44
Yeah, no, it's it's very interesting. You mentioned that because I noticed in my my kids when something bad happens, it's clam up anger shout fresh gnash teeth banging around and how common that is and adults have I just am going to just Do this and I'm going to be angry about it. But I'm not going to do anything with that. And so taking that moment to go, I know you're really upset. You tell me why, what you know, let's vote, you know, tell me what you're feeling right now. And it can seem so simplistic and so basic to go, what am I feeling right now? But that's a that's where you have to start if you've never if that's not a part of a normal process is what what am I feeling right now? Why am I feeling that? And how do I get away from that? How do I how do I keep moving right?
Colleen 46:31
And that is really very sophisticated in a way that most of us don't understand. So the question of what are you feeling and why are you feeling it pulls you into noticing your physical sensations, which a lot of us aren't very aware of like when we're hooked by an emotion. We are having the sensations what we're not consciously thinking, Oh, look, a flutter in my stomach. Oh, look, I'm clenching my jaw. Oh look, whatever.
46:56
But the question of
Colleen 46:58
what am I feeling what is going On actually shift some of those emotions to the prefrontal cortex to the more rational part of our brain and allows us to observe them. Sort of from a distance. What am I feeling? Oh, I'm feeling anxiety. I'm nervous. Oh, that's interesting. I wonder why I'm nervous. What could I do that's helpful to me in this nervousness. And when parents are talking with kids about that, it's having both of those effects is teaching the children to notice their their body's responses to things, which is so powerful, because as much as we would like to believe we're rational, we're not really running around in bodies that are all about physical sensation. I'm not just that feels bad. I want to stop. And it's teaching them to shift. So here is the experience I'm having it is not an experience I would like to stay in. Let me think about that, and shift to the prefrontal cortex, the more rational part of our brain and it actually uses your brain to help And move through it in a way that works beautifully, particularly with practice over time in and helping people shift, but it's such a valuable skill. It's such a valuable skill and it sounds silly, doesn't it? Like it sounds like you've just said, No. Well, you just notice your sensations and ask yourself why you're feeling them. Yeah. You just do that a lot.
Collin 48:23
Yeah, especially to be able to do it in the moment. And, you know, and so a lot of times, you may be doing that reflective after the fact going, Wow, I really blew up there and man, I was really shaking and man, I'm sweating now and I, you know, I was kind of out of control there. And to as you practice these resilience things is over time, you start shifting that a little bit closer and you start noticing these ticks of who I am, there's a path over there that if I go down, will lead to some you know, I know where that goes. And yes and taking but you know, this comes into finding those quiet times. And building that in and up over time. It doesn't happen overnight by any stretch of the imagination and it takes, it takes a supportive community and it takes intentionality and all of this and it's not it's not easy, but it is well worth the investment when you start building some of those in and will nobody will ever be 100% perfect data and just be, you know, Spock and no emotions and be completely rational. Because we're not, but you can we
49:26
don't want to
Collin 49:26
we don't want to be that takes out some of the fun.
Colleen 49:30
Because really, you know, one of the best parts of life is sort of leaning in and feeling things like that, like the show this is us. I'm a huge fan of this is us. And in every episode, I laugh and I cry, just guaranteed I'm going to do both. That's life. Yeah, we want to feel the feelings. We just don't want to be stuck in the feelings and and, and learning to have the real time ability to to float along and adjust to them and and Write it out. You know you are fine. Yeah, this is a good moment. You are fine. This is a bad moment.
50:05
You are also fine. You're going to be okay. Yeah.
Collin 50:09
Yeah. I think a common theme throughout our entire talk today has been reaching out to others and having a supportive community. How do people get connected with a supportive community? You can feel so disconnected these days No, don't even know where to start. Yeah, what are what are some first steps somebody may take when in trying to get more connected?
Colleen 50:29
I think first steps are Well, first off, keep your non pet professional friends because they're golden. You do you want people who who have completely different experiences because they will have an objective view that the rest of us can't have. But from the pet professional aspect. Start with any sort of groups or associations of people who do what you do. So create a network or create like my lunch bunch group started because I started asking dog trainers to go to lunch. It was there was nothing Oregon. It was like, hey, anyone want to go to lunch? And, and find ways to connect with people. If you're a member of a professional association, there's probably a Facebook group or something like that, but trying to connect with people locally, I have a Facebook group called the circle of resilient and thriving pet professionals. If people are interested in the personal growth aspects of that that's a free group, you're welcome to do that on Facebook, but looking for the people who share some interests with you, and being the one to reach out and knowing that you might need to be the one to reach out many times because people are busy. Yeah, if people you know, can't meet you for coffee or don't always respond to your message, it probably doesn't say anything about you. But it says how much that they're busy, people are busy. So if you say to yourself, this is a gift I'm giving myself is I'm going to reach out and I'm going to make some connections and some of them will be like, this is a an acquaintance and then others will be like this as a friend and we are souls who who need to spend much more time together. Yeah, both are great. Both are valuable.
Collin 52:04
Yeah, no, I think that's, I think I like that idea of a lot of times you can look up and around and go, Well, there are no groups near me. There's no professional, you know, membership that even close to me, start it inside, reach out to somebody and say, Hey, I know you're also a dog walker would love to meet up to talk about some of your experiences here and just get to know you a little bit, and then start inviting more and more people and it can become you know, I, so I don't want people to take it from a way of, of, well, there's nothing in here for me. It's just just just just, you know, reach out to somebody.
Colleen 52:37
One of the members of my of my private community is a pet sitter in the Chicago area. And she started a whole networking group of pet sitters in the area. And it's awesome, because they can refer to each other some of the things that are either a little bit out of their physical zone, or sometimes you know, there are pets who need medical care that only certain people can do. It's wonderful to be able to refer and say I can't cover this time I'm out of town or I can't cover this issue. But here's someone who you might really like. And it sounds scary and threatening, like, Oh, no, oh, no. But the reality is, the more you do that for other people, the more they do it for you, it will build good things for you. And it will give you someone to talk to when you say, I'm really struggling with this problem. I don't know how to handle it. How do you handle it in your business? Yeah, they'll tell you if if you're part of a group as opposed to the competitor, right? Yeah, me up to learn their secrets, really
Collin 53:36
shifting that mindset of competitor to assets that are around you, because they're so helpful. And, and as you mentioned, everybody needs help, not just with some of these skills and things and practices that we've been talking about, but also with running their business, right? Everyone is overbooked a lot of times and has need to recommend somebody and building that support network, just it lifts everybody up over time, when you're when you're investing in not just yourself and helping everybody else along the way.
Colleen 54:09
Yeah, it is a huge win. So I would definitely recommend people do that and just start reaching out on a real low key level, and get to know the other people doing, doing your same kind of work and also doing different work. So pet sitter should also meet some of the dog trainers, and they should meet some of the vets and they should meet some of the vet techs and the groomers, but they should really, really know the pet sitters, they should know. And you should know who you want to refer to.
54:37
That's important.
Collin 54:38
Yeah, yeah. It's very comforting to whenever you're, you know, I know this person. I know their work ethic. I've been I know we meet once or twice a month. I have confidence because deep down we are caretakers, we want the client taking care of us to better to refer to them then somebody that you know and have, you know, had coffee, right that's that's a much better relationship. be basing it off of.
Colleen 55:01
Yeah. And it makes it a lot easier for you to take a vacation to if you can say, I'm taking two weeks off in July, and I know that I can tell all my clients to go see this person. And I don't have to worry about
55:14
that. Yes, you know,
Collin 55:15
yeah, it gets back to that. Finding that time. This is one of those things that you can build in to make that time for you if you ever feel busy. Mm hmm. Well, Colleen, thank you so much for coming on today. I have really thoroughly enjoyed this episode. And I know a lot of people are going to take a lot out of this. Hopefully some time to reflect and some things to be looking for and then building that community. But we've only scratched the surface and there's so much more. How can people reach out to you with more questions and start getting some help or some directions that they may need?
Colleen 55:49
Go I would love to talk to people. My website is my name, Coleen PLR COMM And then I am also on Facebook, in the circle of resilient and thriving pet poses a free group if anyone's interested in that, and I also have a private membership group where we dive deep into resilience called unleashed resilience, and that is something that some people might be interested in checking out as well.
Collin 56:10
Okay, well, we'll provide links to all that and a lot more the references we made in the show notes today so people can click through that. Want to thank our listeners. They can follow along at pet sitter confessional on Facebook and Instagram. You can visit to view those show notes. They can go to pester confessional calm and if anybody else has any other stories or experiences they'd like to share today, you can go to feedback at pet sir confessional calm. Colleen once again, thank you so much and we'd love to have you back on to answer some more questions from the listeners and dive deep into some more topics.
Colleen 56:42
Thanks so much for having me. Collin. Good luck with all of the pets, all of the places people people really need good that gear. Thank you for
Collin 56:49
so much.
