345: Staying Kind to Yourself with Colleen Pelar
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Is it ever ok to judge yourself? When we become aware of our weaknesses, we’re better able to understand where we need help, and strengthen ourselves over time. As pet care providers, we often find ourselves questioning if we’re on the right path in life. Colleen Pelar shares why it’s important to judge yourself while staying kind to yourself. She also walks us through how to properly grieve the loss of a dream or vision we had for our life, so we can embrace what we do have.
Main topics
Finding permission to be human
Letting go of a vision
Judging yourself
Finding clarity
Main takeaway: Self-judgement is a way of protecting ourselves from others’ judgement.
About our guest
Colleen is on a mission to help pet sitters. She is helping pet professionals feel valued, supported, and energized through resilience programs designed to combat burnout and compassion fatigue. She spent 20 years helping corporations and business deal with stress overload and burn out, but is now focusing on where she started, pet professionals. She hit a wall and wants to help others avoid it.
Links:
Her website: www.colleenpelar.com
Previously on: https://www.petsitterconfessional.com/episodes/037-colleen-pelar
Resilient and Thriving Pet Pros: https://www.facebook.com/colleen.pelar
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A VERY ROUGH TRANSCRIPT OF THE EPISODE
Provided by otter.ai
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
people, pet, feel, work, life, business, mistakes, recognizing, setting, emotions, brain, vision, quitting, years, priority, judgment, colleen, bad, learning, pet sitting business
SPEAKERS
Collin, Colleen
Collin 00:10
Hello, I'm Meghan. I'm Collin. And this is Pet Sitter confessional and open and honest discussion about life as a pet sitter brought to you by time to pet and pet sitters International. Have you ever had to grieve the loss of a vision or dream that you had in your life? Did you think you were on a certain path and now look up and find yourself nowhere close to that? I know I certainly have. And it is a process of letting go and embracing the newness of the things that we do have. On today's episode, Colleen Pelar joins us to share how we go about that grieving process, what it looks like to judge ourselves while we stay kind to ourselves, and how we can give ourselves permission to be human. Even though we don't always want to.
Colleen 00:55
Let's get started. I was a dog trainer for 28 years, I started in 1991. And my specialty was kids and dogs, and of course, reactive dogs. So dogs who are impossible to walk on leash without your neighbors pointing at you, for whatever reason that might be. And so as you can imagine, that was a lot of emotion. There were a lot of families who were very, very concerned about the relationship between their kids and their dogs, or the way their dogs were being judged, you know, these dogs who were lovely in their homes and weren't so lovely outside, people were judging them. And I didn't really know how to deal with all those emotions that people were sharing with me. But I was like, yeah, yeah, let's talk about your dog. So I felt a lot of weight from that I felt a lot of struggle and carrying their emotional burden as if it was my responsibility to and over the years, I hit burnout and compassion, fatigue a couple of times, and then one time so badly that I kind of just didn't want to be a dog trainer anymore. And fortunately for me, at that time, I dove deeply into the science of positive psychology and resilience and coaching and all the things lit up my nerd brain so happily, and I realized how, how I was not setting myself up for success as a dog trainer emotionally. And now the work I do is working with pet professionals of all types, on their own experiences and helping them craft lives they love because the answer is, of course, different for each of us. I can't tell you what to do. But I can help you find what's right for you.
Collin 02:36
And that really is the key there. There's no one size fits all answer, which is in one instance, really freeing knowing that I don't have to follow the same path. But on the other hand, it's also really frustrating, because we just want to just just tell me the answer. And I'll be I'll be better. And it's how I know people walk through that with with that frustration of wanting to change, but not knowing how and not knowing where to go. What are we how do we handle that kind of frustration in that moment?
Colleen 03:04
Well, one big piece is sort of recognizing that it's normal. I mean, I am a hugely I'm a person who very, very much wants to know the right way to do it. So I could just if you just tell me how to do it, right? I'll I'll do that. But don't expect me to muddle through and figure it out. And then tell me I did it wrong. That can make me crazy. So we really were socialized that there were right ways to do things. And that's not actually true. It works really well for the education system of did you get the correct answer on the test? Yes. Okay, move forward. No, okay, let's study this some more. But most of your life isn't so clearly black and white. So, first off, just accepting that most of your life is not so clearly black and white, and then really starting to explore your emotions, like pay attention to what are you dreading? What feels heavy, what makes you so cranky? And odds are, there's all sorts of valuable information right behind those emotions that tells you where, where a change for you might be really powerful and really worth
Collin 04:12
doing. Well, and you mentioned, there's this societal thing and our upbringing tells us that there's always a right answer, there's always a right way. And so we can start to feel kind of like automatons of I'm just going through the motions, right? I'm just doing these things because that's what just needs to be done. And, and until we take that moment to step back, we really, we don't have control over a lot of those stuff in those situations.
Colleen 04:36
Right. And, and we have far more control and influence than we realize. When we are running around saying I have to I need to. They're telling me I should just do it. All of those things. Sometimes there isn't really a board who's supervising us waiting for us to do it or not do it to give us, excuse me, I just bumped my kitten waiting for us to do well and give us the feedback. And so we're doing things in the hopes that we don't get negative feedback. But we're probably not going to get such positive feedback as we would like to because nobody noticed, or really cared that much
Collin 05:20
well, and that's really tied to just basically being the human experience of existing in the world and finding our way through that. And so we kind of have this view of ourselves of, especially as small business owners of I need to know it all, I need to be doing it all, I need to be exactly perfect and correct and know the path forward. And we very rarely, and I saw this pop up on your Facebook feed, and I love this phrase, it said permission to be human, because I don't feel like we give ourselves that enough. So what is what does that mean to you? And why is it so important to us, especially as business owners and pet professionals?
Colleen 05:56
Yeah, permission to be human is radical. We do not give ourselves nearly the same grace that we give other people like we recognize other people have good days and bad days, other people have things that they do to the highest level of things that they do sort of, and things that they don't do well, and that that doesn't mean they're not a good person, you know, you are not good at whatever, doesn't mean you're a bad person. But for ourselves, we we apply, often a standard of perfection across the board. And everywhere we fall short, and we do fall short, we then judge ourselves for that, and we're bad or bad. And so when we can give ourselves permission to be human permission to make some mistakes while learning and to use that to say, Oh, next time what I'd like to deal with this and see how that works, as opposed to oh, I should have done, I should have done it differently. I can't believe I didn't do it differently. The reason you didn't do it differently was you didn't know to do it differently. Now, you're like, oh, new information. Let's move forward. I say that as if it's easy, right? It's not as easy as I just made it sound. But it's absolutely doable. In fact, the client last night, said, I'm so excited, I'm going to be offering a class for the second time, and I can't wait to try some things a little bit differently. And then she said, and I'm really excited that I know that a year ago, I would have said, I really messed up that first class, I really didn't do it well, and I would have focused on all the things that didn't work. But now I'm just excited to try something new. And I thought my heart was gonna explode. I was so happy because she was able to give herself permission to have a first run through. That was a little bumpy. She was like, I'm going to try something new. And it worked. Her clients were happy. But she didn't meet the vision of perfection in her head. And she was able to say, Nope, not perfect. But now I'm excited to try again. How freeing would it be if we all felt excited to try again, as opposed to afraid to try again,
Collin 08:14
especially when we have a lot riding on our shoulders of the success of our company, expectations of clients, paying my mortgage, sending my kids to school. And if I have staff, making sure that they're busy enough to meet their bills and their obligations, then all of a sudden there becomes the societal implications of what it means to run a successful business. And they were there yesterday, they're not there tomorrow, what does that mean for them. And we really do build up that. And you said that phrase, meeting the vision of perfection in her head, and we all have that we all have this image that we have and and in a lot of cases I feel like that is it can be a very motivating thing to motivate us to be something different to change things. But it can also be extremely halting, because I I'll never get that I'll never meet that. Because, again, how do we start making that balance of being motivated by this vision, but also not letting it start to impact our our perceptions of ourselves so we don't get down?
Colleen 09:12
Yeah, one of the most powerful questions that I like to ask in sessions is how will you know when you have it? So we set this aspiration I want to feel this way and be this way, you know, like I want to have a successful pet sitting business where I have a good work life balance. And I'm, I'm able to disengage when I'm not working because I know that everything's covered. Awesome. That vision is powerful and motivating and incredible. How will you know when you have it? Because what often happens for us as we set these goals, and then we actually achieve them. Don't recognize that we've achieved it, set a new goal farther out and spend our entire life striving for Forward, forward forward without ever going, oh my gosh, look at me, I've got it. And when we can identify some of these pieces, we can also identify steps along the way that are, I don't have it yet, but I can see that I'm doing better at disengaging, or I'm not answering emails after 10pm. Or I have a full calendar for the first time in the last six months. Isn't that extraordinary? It's not where I want to be. But I I'm, I'm getting there. And wow, is that powerful?
Collin 10:30
Well, and that sets up that that another underprint important understanding to not be not go through the comparison game, right? Because everybody's vision for themselves looks totally different. You laid out that vision of would it be great if I was disconnected from my business, and I kind of ran on its own other people may be working towards having a lighter schedule, but still heavily involved. Other people may want to only work weekends, only during the middle of the day, all different trajectories, and all different and unique ones to themselves. So that whenever you're looking at people going, Hey, what's that person doing? What's that person? Again, it can be motivating, but we shouldn't now try and emulate that. Because they've got different goals, needs, wants, in their own life that are driving that, that we that we can't see.
Colleen 11:13
Yes, and different life circumstances as well. I mean, things that I can do now that my children are all grown and out of my house are different than the things I could do when they were preschoolers. And, you know, like, I wrote several books. But my first book didn't come out until my youngest child was in school full time. That book had been in my head for years, but I didn't have time or energy or bandwidth to do it. So to look at someone else's life and go, Oh, they're doing what I should be doing, or they've created it the way I should create it. Or even that someone else will suggest it to you like for years, my husband said to me, you should franchise your dog training business, you should franchise it. And every time he said it, it was like a weight. I was like, oh, that sounds horrible. Like, how would I do all of the things involved in that. But for him that sounded motivating, and exciting and growing and lucrative. And to me, it sounded like a nightmare. So listen to your gut. And to well, your whole body, your, your body gives you so much information. But when when a new idea pops up, does it light you up? Or does it make you go? Oh, I should do that too. There's some really powerful info there.
Collin 12:29
There to not be afraid and to to have good support to dive into each of those feelings. Okay, why does this excite me? Why do I have the sudden dread and rain cloud over my, over my emotions and life when I feel this way? Because you may start being able to that's where a lot of this forward thinking and self reflection comes in. Because you start going down, I'm really down about this, okay, that's my initial reaction. Let's figure out why. Because there may be some things that are actually inhibiting me from moving forward in this. Because of that, because of past trauma, past experiences because of unknown insecurities. And until I start touching on all those, again, like, this is we're saying these things, it sounds way easier than right now than it is actually to actually do this. But that's what that process starts involving, when we have those emotions that that recognizing that's a human response, I can help you exert more control over this and look at these and try and figure out where that's coming from.
Colleen 13:24
Yeah. And that can be a really powerful time to work with a coach. Because in coaching, my job is not to tell anyone what to do or to give advice. It's to help you hear your thoughts and to ask questions that that are different than the ones you've asked yourself so that you'll get a different answer. So a recent client is having trouble moving forward on a project. And in talking about it, it came up several times about a previous vision of what what she was going to do, but that didn't happen. So now she's gonna do this, when she gets around to it when she has the energy when she can make it happen. And it felt really clear to me that there was some some grieving and letting go that needed to happen about the old dream and the old vision that really was beautiful and did matter, but didn't come to be. And that when we could talk about that a little bit, then she could move toward this new vision with with more enthusiasm because it wasn't like the poor second choice. It was what is right for her now. And it was that's the kind of stuff that we can't see sometimes because we're too close to it, and having someone else reflect back to you what you just said, and help you hear what you said or any of that can be just extraordinarily powerful.
Collin 14:51
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14:56
time to pet has honestly revolutionized how we do business. My sitters can work much more independently because they have ongoing access to customer and pet information without relying on me. I save hours upon hours of administrative time on billing, processing payments and generating paychecks.
Collin 15:13
If you were looking for new pet setting software, give time to pet a try. Listeners of our show can save 50% off your first three months by visiting time to bet.com/confessional. Yeah, we forget that it really is a grieving process of a former self, right, I very clearly have this memory of when my wife and I are getting ready to move for the second or third time I had all this stuff out in a little storage shed. And I was pulling it out. And it's all this camping gear that I had. And I had collected for years because I was a camper. I was in Boy Scouts or Eagle Scout, we were camping family, we did all this outdoor stuff. And I just had it in there. And Megan and I had been married for like five or six years at that time. And had we gone camping? No, not once have we gone camping, I still enjoyed being outside. But I realized I was holding on to all this stuff, because that's how I saw myself. And it was it was like it was a there was almost a funeral for that former self of that's not who I am anymore, which allowed me I wish you mentioned up to start rejoicing in who I am today, when I had the opportunities that I have. Because then when we're not being we're not being we're not having these, these thoughts of grief were released to see the opportunities around us. And that was a really big thing for me to look at this and go, I'm holding on to this dry bag for a canoe because that's who I am. I'm not that person anymore. So I need to go do these other things. So I can really fulfill who I am today.
Colleen 16:38
Yeah. And, and if you don't give yourself the space to notice that and become aware of that, and grieve it, you could find yourself just feeling awful every time you went near that shit, but not really know why. Because you're like, well, there's all that money and, and identity in there that I'm not even using. Like it's just sitting there and I am somebody who should be camping. And, and you are someone who loved camping, and you're someone who's not camping right now. And so someone else is probably so thrilled to have that dry bag, because they are camping, and delighted to be doing so in this stage of their life. And perhaps you'll do it again in the future. But it doesn't it holding it and, and having identity pieces come up a lot of I am a camper, I am someone who does this I am whatever, you know, I'm a helper, that's a big one.
Collin 17:40
Well, because then that starts from once we identify as that. So first up, I think many times we forget that the sentence I am is complete and home and it doesn't need any of these other modifiers on the end of it. But when we start adding those modifiers, that starts to determine some of our actions, how we view the world. And as you met, like looking at that going, I should be using a camera here. Now all of a sudden, there's guilt and their shame that I'm not in waste of money. And all these things start trickling into this. And whether this is well, I should be offering my trading services, I should be offering dad dog walks I shouldn't be because I'm the dog walker, I am the pet sitter and not realizing that there are other things in my life that are going to fulfill me and I need to start start working on.
Colleen 18:23
Yeah, and because those emotions can be very uncomfortable, they should be emotions, they often rise up very quickly, and we shove them away. And we do something else. And we haven't really identified what it was that made us so deeply uncomfortable. We just have this project that we're not moving forward on. And, and giving ourselves the space to, to wait in a little bit, a little bit safely just from the edges at first, if that's what you need to do. We're allowed to change our minds. We're allowed to make mistakes while learning, we're allowed to say I absolutely agree that that would be a good idea for someone else. And I'm not going to do it. We're allowed to make some of these choices. But we don't let ourselves
Collin 19:16
we don't allow ourselves to make those decision decisions. Because we there's a lot of fear there. There's anxieties. Again, that word mistakes has such a negative connotation. And I love how you said making mistakes while learning or making mistakes for learning. And really that slight adjustment in our viewpoint of that action. The thing that happened is, is what changes that for us. Now all of a sudden I can boldly go forward going I'm going to break things by come fast and we're going to learn quickly so that I can move from where I am right now because I know I don't want to be here anymore. We kind of grew up in a world where we we are allowed to make mistakes. A lot of times you know we learn in a classroom, that's the place to make mistakes and we're told learn here So you don't make them out in the world. Well, that sets us up to to view ourselves as when I'm out in the world, I can't make mistakes, and I can't learn anymore because I'm stuck. And so that mindset of learning to make mistakes, you said, start really small, how do we start doing that better in our lives,
Colleen 20:16
I think picking something that you don't care that much about is often a good place. You know, I think everyone should take up a hobby that has interest to them that they don't have any anticipation they'll be good at. So you know, if you've always wanted to play guitar, don't think that you need to be good enough to play along with your local bar. But see if you could just try playing guitar and love it enough to be bad at it, and enjoy it that way. But I'm allowed to make mistakes, while learning is something that is so blatantly obvious and easily granted to other people. Like, of course, you're allowed to make mistakes while learning. But I, I think we fall into it very, very early. Like you said, school is a place to learn and make mistakes. But I think most of us don't think that it was safe to make mistakes of school. Like I certainly did not raise my hand because what if I was wrong? Like that was not safe, that didn't feel safe to me. And schools, I mean, I don't know what they're doing exactly right now, but I know they're working on better social emotional learning and making, making it safer to make mistakes, but recognizing that we we have a big fear of judgment from others. And that it might mean something very bad about us if we were to make a mistake. And so when we say start small, sometimes it's just telling yourself that you're going to survive making mistakes to like, you know, maybe give yourself permission to do something not quite as well as you would normally.
Collin 22:01
Well, as you mentioned, where the stakes are really low, where I don't, it really does not matter in my day life, business, anything, what happens here, that's why taking I envisioned going to those painting classes, you know, at the art studio, where it's an art class, right, where the other adults are there, sometimes there's wine, sometimes there's a d'oeuvres, and people are just having fun, and it's there for a completely different purpose, where there's no mistakes there, it's for there for a completely different reason in finding those reasons. They're going to help you kind of expand out from from where you currently are.
Colleen 22:32
Yeah, and you may find some really interesting thoughts pop up in your head, that can be explored in relation to this experience that also apply to others. So for example, the you know, going out and painting nights like the wine and what do they call them wine it, I don't, I've forgotten, they, they have a cute name. But like, you see pictures of like, eight people holding a painting and wine glasses, and they all went out and they painted in some instructor led them throw first paint a big yellow circle now, okay. And, and they all look similar. You can see they're related, but they're all very different. What? What may come up for you in that experience is, oh, wow, she's doing it better than I am. Oh, I'm not doing it right. Oh, this is really hard. You're out for an evening of fun. And you're having these thoughts? What is it about this event that makes you think that you have to do this? Well, because you do not need to hang that canvas on your wall. Like, you can slap paint on that canvas and then put it in the dumpster on your way to your car? The thought of, oh, she's doing it better, or I'm not doing it? Well, or this is really hard. Those thoughts are telling you something about you.
Collin 23:50
Yeah. Well, so you mentioned earlier about, we fear the judgment of other people. But what we're talking to right now is like the judging of myself, walk us through kind of the role of self judgment. I know, there's a lot of negative connotations and things out there. But is there a way to view that that process positively? Oh, absolutely.
Colleen 24:06
self judgment is actually a very protective element. It is a way of making sure others don't judge us. So if I just scan the environment for all the things I could potentially do wrong, and I make sure I don't do any of those things wrong, then everyone will think I'm acceptable and allow me to stay. So it creates this internal dialogue that is just sort of always observing ourselves and checking like, and then and then doing a lot of what if thing? What if the person who didn't reply to my email didn't reply, because they're angry? Oh, oh, dear. What if that or what if they're disappointed? That's a whole different feeling. Now I have to I have to think about what if they're angry and what if they're disappointed, and you know, any of those things, but that is that is actually your brain trying to keep you safe and When we can say thank you brain, it's not actually life threatening of whether or not this person replies to my email. And we can check our stories and say, okay, so I imagine she's disappointed. I imagine she's angry. But I did not imagine a best case scenario. She's thrilled out of her mind and is out there doing something, and just didn't think to reply. And if you think about it for yourself, your odds of giving positive feedback are lower than your odds of giving negative feedback to a business. So if somebody does an amazing job, you think, oh, I should tell the manager or write a review or do something. But you get busy and you don't. And if someone does a terrible job, you think I should write a review or tell the manager and you're still so mad that you do. So we all know that intellectually, but we forget that. So having having some understanding that your little brain is very busy inside trying to keep you safe. And to just go Oh, thank you. This one's actually not a problem that my adult self needs to worry about.
Collin 26:01
Yeah, was breaking down each situation and really screwed and not being afraid to scrutinize it. I was playing that what if game, I can't tell you that I'm going to catastrophize the situation. And so I can just lay out all the cards, what is my brain? What what is my brain telling me to freak out about right now. And then then once you put it into black and white, or you write it down, or you tell somebody it verbally expressing this is so powerful, because then you hear it? And they say, Okay, your friend can go, I hear you're concerned about them not responding to the email, because you think they hate you. And you go, Huh, well, when you put it like that, okay. I think we can work through this a little bit different way. So it said it's kind of this it is this little kind of protective mechanism that we can kind of tap into from time to time.
Colleen 26:45
Yeah. And actually to have our friends say, You think they're not responding to the email? Because they hate you. Is so startling to hear. And yet probably just reflecting back the words you said. You're like, Well, I mean, I don't think they really hate me. But that is what you said. And that is the that is the message is running in the background? Oh, no, oh, no. Oh, no. And when your friend says it, you're like, wow. And so that just gives you that little bit of distance to say, oh, okay, let me let me be a little bit more present with what's actually here. And what's realistic in this moment? Well, I
Collin 27:25
don't listeners may hear that word, judging yourself and self judgment and realize or have questions about how to balancing that with also staying kind because I can go definitely down that road of spiraling downward of self judgment self. But I think for me the key is there a turning into self self criticism, as opposed to the judgment aspect? So what are what are some breaks or some place things that we can put in place to prevent ourselves from spiraling downward and actually stay kind to ourselves through that process?
Colleen 27:55
Well, one of the very best things to do is to look for things you did well, because we don't really make a practice of that. But having a practice of that, what did I do today that went well? And some people do it as part of a gratitude exercise, what am I grateful for? And, and what role do I play in that? So, you know, I'm grateful that the sun came up today. Well, I played no role in that. Well, okay, but I can be grateful that I went outside to see the beautiful sun that came up today. Okay, you know, so that kind of thing. But having a way of, of actually checking yourself, for what you're doing well, is an incredibly powerful piece to help with self judgment. Because our brains really are wired for negativity and for for looking for what could be that. And so you're just retraining yourself to say, okay, that could be bad. But what here is good, there is always something good always. And there's always something bad, but we're good at finding that. So that piece. And then another tip for self judgment is what would I say to someone I cared deeply about, if they were experiencing this. And the way you would talk to that someone you care deeply about and some of the things that you've said to yourself, you can see the gap pretty clearly. And ask what you can do to move yourself a little bit closer to being somebody that you treat with the same love and respect that you treat others.
Collin 29:23
That's that's really heavy and hard for a lot of people to to realize going do I treat myself as well as I would treat my dearest loved one. What I what I speak is when I speak to them using the same words with the same energy, emotion and intensity as that I stopped talking to myself as I would to them what I actually do that and I think most of us are going to have to be honest and say no, no, I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to talk to somebody else. The way I talked to me, and recognizing that a lot of this is driven by our brains wired for negativity because negativity means means bad things. In the environment, so I need, I'm seeking for self preservation. So my brain is wired to avoid all bad things as much as possible for self preservation. So I can be here tomorrow, and that there's a very real basal reaction to a lot of these things that then we have to consciously and purposefully override
Colleen 30:21
in our lives. Yes. And because we have had so much stress and anxiety in our lives, it also can become sort of our baseline normal, so that we know that this is survivable, we've done it a million times. And if things feel really light, and easy and calm, that just sets off a little critter brain going, I'm missing something because something bad is around the corner. Because we've, we've kind of conditioned ourselves like, oh, yeah, I know, I can survive when I'm stressed out and burned out and running on empty. I'm used to that. This other safe and happy feeling actually is a little alarming, because it's so unfamiliar. So we have to teach ourselves, guess what? You can survive that too. You can also be happy.
Collin 31:11
Yeah. Yeah. Without without that stress in that process, like you said, of writing those down. I love doing that of just doing it could be daily, like you said it could be weekly, monthly. But especially as we're coming up here towards the end of the year, and you're ready to start a new one just sit down, reflecting on the things you did well, the positives, it's not because we're ignoring the negatives. But what does act as this act as a reminder, as anchor points in our brain to point back and go? I did, I did that. That was something that happened. I did, I was so proud of myself the way I handled that situation. And I was so happy that I got that review. And this thing came up and I met that goal. Because otherwise you set the end of the year. And what do you reflect on? You know, it's dark, it's gloomy, there's snow around the northern hemisphere, at least. And when we go through that process, we're just we're reminded of all the bad things, the things that we didn't accomplish the things that were were massive mistakes, maybe huge errors on our apart. And that's what we just sit with, because our brain is trying to make us remember, never do that again. Never do that again. And that's all we can focus on.
Colleen 32:14
Yes. And what you just said brought up something that I hope I'm allowed to say so you'll cut it if I'm not. But I am, I'm offering a free weekly email based coaching program in 2023. That is, every Friday, I'm going to send you an email with something to think about and three questions designed to help you look at how did this week go? What can you acknowledge for yourself about how you showed up for yourself? And what would you like to do or try next week that could perhaps change what the experience is of next week, and it's just free. It's just part of my email community. But that, that gives us a short horizon that often we do these year end recaps, and we're like, Uh huh. And you'll never get as much done in a year as you hope. But you'll be blown away by what you get done in three years. If you can just do some small, consistent forward movement with gentleness and compassion, of looking at okay, I have had the same goal for three weeks in a row, and I haven't made any progress for it forward. That's curious, I wonder why. Something is, you know, why is this one keep dropping down my priority list? And is that internal or external?
Collin 33:33
Yeah, well, it's so how do people go and get signed up for that email list,
Colleen 33:38
they can just go to my website, Colleen pilar.com. And if you join my regular email list, you're gonna get Friday emails coming up. Starting starting in 2023. Every Friday, there will be this. I call it helping yourself to help others. I did a small trial run of it this year. So the acronym is hi ha, which brings me ridiculous joy. But we are here, we're so motivated to help others. And if we can just take a moment ago, I can actually do more, give more, be more. If I nurture my own needs, and meet them. It's just the ripple effects of it blow me away of when people show up more fully.
Collin 34:25
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Colleen 35:43
yes. And they can feel selfish. And when we stop and look at them, they really aren't. Like when, when you are at your best, there is more of you to go around. And when you're tired, and frazzled, and cranky, and sleep deprived, you just can't do as much you can't help as many people, you can't lift other people up in the same way. You can't you're not as creative, that's a huge thing, you're less creative, and you're less, you're less able to embrace complexity, to see all the nuances of situations, and you're less empathetic. None of us need that. So if we could all just be a little bit selfish and meet our needs a little bit, and the entire world with I don't know, let's go for something crazy, like 2% nicer, and 2% more understanding, and 2% more able to think and take a breath before they made a decision. Everyone in the entire world is 2% better. I mean, like, like, my brain just goes, Wow, what a difference that would make. So maybe if we all put a little effort in, we can all be individually, we can each be 10% better, and the rest will be as they are, if until they're ready
Collin 37:01
to average out. Well, that process really is about kind of finding clarity, and really setting our priorities and setting them well. Because that's something that I know we I personally struggle with what is a priority today, because I feel like everything is a priority in my life, everything must get done. Everything is my responsibility. So when we go through that process calling how do we go about setting or what is it? I guess, really priorities in our lives? Right, like? Yeah, really a question, but so much of
Colleen 37:32
a urgent versus important quadrant thing? Like, Is it urgent and important? Is it low urgency, low importance, all. So the way I the way I like to break it out is urgent, are like task based things that have a deadline on them. And what you'll often find is they're related to other people's priorities. And the important things are the things that if you look back in five years, you're gonna go that was good, it moved me closer toward me toward my goals toward my vision toward my whatever. And so sometimes our our priority is the thing that we're not doing. So that it's that new program that you want to add into your business, but you just don't have the time or bandwidth to figure out all the details and oh, my gosh, rewrite a web page for it. No, please, I can't. But it keeps calling to you, I need to do that I need to do that. But all of those urgent tasks, I'll have to send the invoice I have to schedule this, I have to return that call. Get in way. And so having some understanding of how you want to be in this world, who are you? What's important to you? And how can we prioritize and guard that time so that you honor your commitments to yourself, as religiously as you honor them to other people, because you know what? Pet professionals are pretty awesome at showing up for other people. We are reliable, we will be there. And the way we will be there is we will say Oh, I had you know, Tuesday afternoon scheduled to go the grocery store but you need me so okay, I'll have no groceries. Yeah. Okay, let's see if we could get you groceries. Tim.
Collin 39:16
Yeah. And you said that that phrase bandwidth a couple of times and I love the imagery that that brings in of I can only process so much stuff coming into my life. Then I found out about myself I was setting as far as priorities go, one of my priorities was to worry about the expectations of my clients on myself. And that was the number one priority in my life unwritten down it wasn't actually written down right but it was this was an unspoken priority like I have to worry about this because there was some control that I was trying to bring out and all of a sudden it was saying it was cluttered in there that was a priority. Also priority was like you said paying taxes also priority was setting up the website also priority. So there was a mixture of of emotional unspoken on you know concrete things that were just kind of all nebulous floating around me, but I felt everything had to be done. And then you when you're at that state and your brain is trying to keep everything in there and keep everything straight, there's no room for anything else. And in times of of turmoil in economic uncertainty in businesses that are going down, or are problems with employees, when when new things get added, you have no capacity to deal with those.
Colleen 40:26
Yes, yes. And that is, I think, where we all are right now. Yeah, like, I think, I think pet professionals are teetering on the edge before the pandemic. And then we thought we just throw in three years of crazy stress. And now we're all surprised that we're really, really in bad shape. And so, and what you said about like, it's all sort of swirling around in your head. So many of the things that are bothering you would not come out on a list if I said, Okay, write down the top 10 things that are bothering you. They're deeper and, and feel just sort of like, part of the air like you don't even think to mention it, because it's just there. Oh, that Oh, you're right. Oh, that. Yeah, yes. And so when we can make a little bit of space and find some of that, and, and, and say them, you know, like you said before about saying something out loud, there's something so tremendously freeing about saying the thing that you're afraid to say, to one safe person, you don't have to, like announce it everywhere. But just to say, you know, I feel like I'm a terrible parent right now, because I'm so tired, and I'm cranky at dinnertime every night. And so I am probably the worst parent in the world. And to have someone hear you say that, and then go, you are not the worst parent in the world. But you are a little bit tired. And what can we do to support you? Is it kind of saves you because there is that hidden fear that maybe I really am the worst one?
Collin 42:05
Yeah, we have to shine light on that. And you know, you mentioned just finding space, right? When we feel overwhelmed. There's a word there that is scary to a lot of people. And it's the word quitting, I have two things. But one of the things is like that stepping away, and quitting is extremely powerful in our lives. And yet, yet again, we've got this the stigma of what it means to quit and be a quitter. Because I'm supposed to do everything and have everything and I'm a business owner. And I'm you know, I'm a mom, I'm a dad and brothers. I've got all these things I can't quit. Because then that'll,
Colleen 42:42
XYZ. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it quitting is fraught, especially in the United States where, you know, this is this is not a culture that embraces quitting. That's not okay. And you don't have to do all the things forever. Like, I used to joke that when my mom would watch my kids overnight, that she didn't know how to take something off the menu. So if they had dinner, and then bath in a story and went to bed, great. And then the next time they had dinner, and then bath and a story and a movie, and then Tibet, and then they had dinner about a story, a movie, and then they played with bubbles. And then they went, and I was like, well, it could be it could be options. And I think for many of us, we add something in and so we did it once. And so now we have to do it until the end of time. That's not actually true. There are things you can let go and some of them you will feel so incredibly free. When you let go that you will not you won't believe how heavy the weight was until it's gone. And then you're gonna say, oh, and it is okay, to let things go. Not in a fit of rage and like I'm dumping everything. And when you feel that way, it's a really good time to talk to someone because that does mean you need to let something go. But let's choose wisely. But to see, ah, there is space now because I have decided I'm not going to do that. And some of the things can be shocking. Like I let go of buying Christmas gifts for almost everyone. Because I never really felt like I could do it all that well. And there is no there is no gift in the 20 to $40 range that is going to express to you how much I care about you. Here is a sweater. I hope it fits. That is shocking. Like, what do you mean you don't do Christmas shopping? Yeah, I don't. That is a very different choice. Many people won't make that choice. Okay. But I quit Christmas shopping because it was stressful for me
Collin 44:57
in recognizing too that we don't like the other day. reuse of quitting, I think especially when we have commitments of. So for myself, I had, I had originally committed to teaching at my kids school this school year, part time when they as I could, and it was a first I was going to be in person to do that, well, then we had some employment issues. And we had some people leave and shuffling around schedule. So I had to take over resuming a lot of visits, which means I could no longer be in person. So I kind of, I quit being in person. And I said, I can do this virtually for a little while. Well, then it got so overwhelming with with visits and grading and back and forth, and communication, and all these things started to pile up where I needed to fully quit, and I needed to fully step away. And when you say, when you remove this, when you exercise these things from your life, you are surprised by the relief that you get, sometimes the relief is way, way out, really outweighs the space that it was actually taking up because there's all the mental burden and the mental pressure and the expectations from other people that are on this. And you're like, well, it was only 30 minutes a day, right? But you thought about it 24 hours a day, you were disrupted by sleep, because you were concerned about meeting that expectation. You missed, you stopped eating, you stopped hanging out with friends. And there was this thing that we're all that dread and stuff was focused and now impacting the rest of our lives in our bodies, too.
Colleen 46:21
Yeah. And I love the example you shared of quitting because you quit something that you value. And that is such a good example to share. Because you very much did value the opportunity to peep to help near your kids school. And then when the circumstances were such that you could not do that at the level you felt you needed to do that. You scaled it back. And then that wasn't enough. And so then you had to say I need to step away. But you did not say this is unimportant. I don't care about it. You said I can't right now I don't have the bandwidth, like it was that the literal bandwidth one. That doesn't mean that you'll never do it again. Yeah. But it also does mean that you probably have data points for if you offer to do something at the school again, you'll have a slightly better idea of what you'd like to offer,
Collin 47:18
you get that learning, right, these missed, it wasn't it wasn't a mistake, it was a very much of a learning experience, the Situation's changed, I had no control over what's going on. And just realizing I can exert some control over this to the extent because it is valuable to me. And so whether this is, you know, for running a business, it could be a new service area that you used to service for a really long time. But now you just can't, you just can't because situations change and the obligation of feeling, I still have to do this, that's where that word comes in, I have to, I have to know you don't have to the situation change what's going to you it's not that you don't value those people any less, or you don't value that none of that change. But you personally are not able to do that. And that that takes a lot of recognizing our own weaknesses, and the current situations that we are in, and just being honest with ourselves about what we are capable of
Colleen 48:08
right now. Yeah, and recognizing that we are really not responsible for other people's experience or their emotions about it. So to stop serving a specific area is very difficult, because you have clients that you like, and who have relied on you for years in that area. So there's a relationship there with the animals and with the humans. And they say, Well, how am I ever going to find someone I can count on and trust as much as you and you think I have no idea. So I guess I have to keep doing this until the end of time. But it's so far away. And it takes up so much time and oh my god, that's not your problem. It feels like your problem it I get it. I know that I sound like a crazy talk here. But I am responsible for finding good pet care for my pet. And if you cannot provide it any longer, I am responsible for saying wasn't I lucky to have had you for so many years. And now I'm going to start looking again. And I have more information for what I'd be looking for in a pet sitter, because of my good experience with you. And I have a clearer idea of what I want and need. And I will make arrangements accordingly. Because it's my family, my pet my responsibility. That's not on you. Yeah, but
Collin 49:25
because of the nature of our work. It's extremely personal. We build those relationships. We we feel like we're members of their family, in some cases, you know, they they self adopt us, right? We get invited to parties and dinner and Thanksgiving. And that's all well and good. But we again have to recognize where our agencies starts and stops. And it really does have that have that boundary with them.
Colleen 49:48
Yeah, yeah. And they're doing what's right for you does not mean you're being unkind to others, like you are not doing something to them when you say I'm no longer serving this area. You are making a decision for your business and your life. But it's not
Collin 50:04
doing something to them. Colleen, I want to thank you so much for coming on the show today and walking us through giving ourselves permission, grieving the loss of these visions and letting go of that in a healthy manner. And then making sure that we're we are judging ourselves to protect, but also learning through mistakes and continuing to move forward, and then not blaming ourselves when things happen that are out of our control. I know that this goes on, and there's a lot and you have so much for people to get plugged into and follow along with. So how can people follow along with you and start getting the resources to help themselves, the best
Colleen 50:39
way for us to be in touch is, is email that is where I get my best stuff. So my website is Colleen pilar.com. And I have a weekly email that's hopefully more often than weekly, but I promise weekly, it will give you you know, the coaching throughout the year of ways to just help yourself recenter and move forward. And then, you know, we also have group live activities as well, if anyone's interested in those.
Collin 51:07
Okay, well, I'll have a link to your website and to your your wonderful podcast as well, where you interview other pet professionals crossing you and me Yes, so people can listen to that and get some more resources calling. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate this. And I'm so thankful for you coming on the show today.
Colleen 51:24
It was so fun talking to you, Colin,
Collin 51:26
as we look ahead to the future, how are you planning on showing up for yourself? Do you want there to be more of you at the end of next year than there is at the end of this one? What does that actually look like in your business and in the boundaries that you set for yourself and in how you treat yourself? Yes, As Colleen said, and my biggest takeaway from my conversation with her was that it is not selfish to focus on you. I hope that you take that to heart and you go into the next steps in your business and in your life recognizing that you are important and that you are worth it. You are worth that investment. We want to thank today's sponsors time to pet and pet sitters international for making today's so possible, and we really want to thank you so much for listening. We hope you have a wonderful week. We'll be back again soon.
