471: Supporting Our Clients Through Anticipatory Grief with Erica Messer
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What is anticipatory grief and how can we help our client through it? In the complex landscape of pet care, we face the delicate issue of anticipatory grief among pet owners—a pre-loss mourning filled with anxiety and sorrow. Erica Messer, founder of Wolfie’s Wish, discusses the critical need for pet care providers to offer support and practical resources to our clients. She advocates for early conversations about end-of-life decisions, emphasizing the importance of self-care for both owners and ourselves. She reminds us that in addressing anticipatory grief, our actions resonate more profoundly than words, fostering a supportive community for both pets and their owners.
Main topics:
Anticipatory pet loss grief
Self-care when looking after a senior animal
Preparing for and coping with palliative care
Main takeaway: Start conversations early and have resources ready for your clients.
About our guest
After the sudden passing of her beloved cat, Wolfgang, Erica embarked on a heartfelt quest to find a simple way to cope with her grief. Frustrated by the lack of suitable products, and encouraged by her mother, Bonnie, she created the perfect solution: Pet Loss Grieving Cards. Thus, Wolfie’s Wish was born. These cards garnered worldwide attention after receiving a prestigious “Best New Product” award at the esteemed Superzoo trade show in 2022.
Erica is a board certified pet bereavement specialist and coach and leads a free monthly virtual support group and is also an in-demand international speaker and (fanfare) is releasing her first full-length book in the Summer of 2024.
In February 2024, she is releasing Wolfie’s Wish Pet Loss Podcast with celebrity interviews on coping strategies on pet loss.
With clinical musical training, she helps people navigate their grief through the healing power of music.
Erica’s artistic talents also shine through her hand-painted pet portraits, showcasing her love for animals and dedication to capturing their spirits on canvas. She both wrote and illustrated the captivating story “Tails Of Spirit Pets” and Tails of Spirit Cats Books.
Erica’s profound love for music, animals, and her unwavering desire to support others in their healing journeys make her an exceptional and inspiring individual, touching the lives of many with her unique blend of creativity, compassion, and entrepreneurial spirit.
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A VERY ROUGH TRANSCRIPT OF THE EPISODE
Provided by otter.ai
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
pet, anticipatory grief, pet sitters, resources, clients, life, palliative care, erica, conversation, call, grief, anticipatory, care, focused, loss, cards, wolfies, hard, love, connected
SPEAKERS
Collin, Erica M.
Collin Funkhouser 00:01
Welcome to pet sitter confessional. Today, we're brought to you by time to pet and the National Association of Professional pet sitters, anticipatory pet loss and grief, how we look after ourselves, and how we help our clients during the time after they lose their pet. And even as they prepare mentally, physically, emotionally for that, that today, we are really excited to have Erica Messer owner and founder of Wolfies Wish back on the show. She was previously with us back on episode 341. And so if you haven't listened to the episode, I really encourage you to pause and go back and listen to that and then jump back to this one. That's fine. So Erica, really thankful to have you back on the podcast. For those who are new listeners, or maybe it's been a while since they listen to the episode. Could you please tell us more about who you are and all that you do?
Erica M. 00:50
Hey,Collin, well, thank you. Yeah, it's great to be back here and provide great content for your listeners. So I'm Erica and I founded welcome swish with my mom, in order to help pet parents grieve in healthy ways, and give them the tools and resources that they need. And I did this because I couldn't find what I needed. And I said that's not okay. It's gotta be, it's gotta be a way to connect people with with what they want. So that's the basics of, of what we recruited. And I know
Collin Funkhouser 01:19
the last time we talked about kind of going through the grieving process and kind of what to do after you've experienced that loss. But I know you've been come more recently interested in the necessarily the build up. But though those times those weeks, those months before you actually do lose the pet? What what what happened? Or why do you become suddenly interested in that aspect?
Erica M. 01:42
Yeah, that's a great question. You know, when I first got into the pet grief realm, you know, there were, there were some accounts like on Instagram as following that really focused strategically, and specifically on anticipatory loss. And it just kind of was there, but it didn't get it. And the more the more that I connected with people around the world, the more I saw a need for more strategies and tips, and tools and resources for that part, when I mean, we all have for lucky, we get to have a senior pet, you know that they live that long. And so recognizing, you know, changes in their health and behavior, people in the pet industry, you know, and how they care for the animals changes the family, the owners have to deal with the reality a lot sooner and think about on a more frequent basis, like my time is limited, you know, with fluffy, and not ignore that, but to embrace it and make the most of it. So I really saw an opportunity to just kind of back pedal, if you will, on what we can offer. And it became really exciting to learn about senior pets out there. And then, you know, the personal side, the emotional side is where I really connect with people in saying, Hey, this is gonna be hard, it's gonna hurt, I want to hold your hand and I want to give you the resources you need. You can do this in a healthy way, in hopes that you will have fun loving memories, but also, you'll be in a place where you can open up your heart to having another pet again, and not feel like oh, I can't go there, you know, and wait a decade, because we all know, animals are like, the best relationships that humans can have. I'm sorry. I mean, I'm happily married and everything, but animals are just where it's at, like they're theirs. They're just uncomfortable, uncomfortable.
Collin 03:35
Well, it is a it is a different kind of grief, because there is that, that waiting for it. And I know, especially in the pet care field. You know, there's the grief after the pet passes away, or where it's a sudden onset thing, but the anticipatory aspect of I'm going to show up this month, and I'm going to see the pet, and then we might not see them for another month, or we have clients who booked like every, like 18 month vacations, and it's like, it's jarring sometimes to come in and see the pet and that, you know, I've heard it a lot of times like, Oh, they're not how I remembered, right? They're not what I thought they'd be like. So how would you how would you define anticipatory grief and kind of what's the some of the signs or how it impacts people?
Erica M. 04:21
Yeah, I mean, and I think that's a really good point that, you know, oftentimes people from outside of the family will see changes more, more acutely, you know, I see that in my own family. When I go back to the states and visit my parents. I'm like, Oh, my gosh, I see my brother, you know, every other year, oh my gosh, and look at look at what time does to us. But for anticipatory loss, it's, it's recognizing, like, Oh, my pets behavior is changing. They're getting old. You know, what do I have to look out for what do I mean and that, that kind of grief is is that anticipatory grief is like, I've got to start to be ready to let go. though. And for me, in my experience and having, you know, my first pet as an adult, I didn't want to acknowledge it, I was in denial. And I know other people are too, regardless of their age or relationship with their pet, and, you know, that's not healthy for me or the pet. And so I want to promote and talk about, like, hey, there are so many tools and resources and great people and social accounts and, you know, international organizations that deal specifically with palliative care. And it's not, it's not like, A, it's not a hard and fast thing, you know, we can we can extend the life of our pets and give them a quality of life. And we just make adjustments. Right? So it's, it's being informed and, you know, it takes a lot of courage and strength to, to acknowledge that and not be in denial. You know, I didn't do it perfectly, but I can, I can try better this time around with my three cats. And, you know, it's my family's pet. And, you know, really, really find helpful tools and share them. That's my passion.
Collin Funkhouser 06:06
You know, it comes in little forms. I think that's some of the most jarring things as well of those signs, right? Where you do can slip into denial of I know like for us, you know, or dappled toxin, Kobe. He was he was gray, black and white. And as he aged every time he'd get back from the groomer, and we shave a little bit shorter. It's like, oh, there's a little bit more gray under here, right to the point where he kind of had this back shoulder strap of gray that went across that finally connected in the middle across his across his back, as he got as he got older. And it was just it was a reminder every time right of like, right, yeah, that's, that's the thing. And and then I think, I guess what you're what you're talking about here, err, because like, then what do we do with that? Right? Because there are these signs, these unmistakable signs that we are all going to see, we then have to go, what do I what do I take that? Right? How do I how do I then process that in my life, and if or my clients life?
Erica M. 07:08
You know, and I have the same experience, when I go to the hairdresser. I'm like, Oh, my God, where does all that gray come from? That was not there last time, you know, and I look in the mirror and I'm like, Alright, here we go. So it's a process of being of just like, acceptance, and letting go, you know, I, I have natural hair now for the first time. And it's like, yeah, let's do this. And, and accepting that, you know, that that change? There's just changes a constant. And, you know, I think it's a beautiful thing to remind ourselves that, you know, nothing is nothing is permanent, and to take advantage and make the most of what we can while we have it, especially with our pets. Yeah, yeah,
Collin Funkhouser 07:52
and especially with with pets, as I get older. And again, as you started off by saying, like what we will, we will be extremely blessed and lucky to have an older, an older pet in our lives, like how wonderful and realize that that in itself is a gift to have, there are things that we can that we're going to see that that we have to be mentally prepared for right of, of, you know, the dog may still be a puppy in our eyes, but there's a reality in their life that they are different now. And that mandates, we do different things. And I know in my conversations with some of our clients of like, the anticipatory was all just adapting, right, it was all just adapting and changing their life around for their pet. And when the pet did pass, they suddenly realized how they had how much they had been accommodating that pet in their life. And now there was this huge void, write everything down. And that's where that palliative care comes into it like you, you you are on a strict schedule, you are on a strict diet, you're doing specific things, you have the rugs out, you have the booties for them for their extra grip, you know, you're you're picking up you've built the ramps, you've completely changed your life to adapt to this pet and suddenly they're not there and there's just a gaping hole now. And it leaves a lot of people going what like all of a sudden they're just like thrown off a cliff and trying to not forcing people to face it, but going what conversations can we have a little bit earlier. Because again, the other part about that palliative care is it's really easy to just get busy in the details and distract ourselves from those emotions, to the point where we're left with nothing but our thoughts and it's it can be really upsetting and an often uncomfortable for people to be like yeah,
Erica M. 09:44
oh, yeah. And a lot of guilt is involved, too. You know, there's the there's the hindsight of, yes, there's this void, and the guilt can come from, oh, I'm so relieved that I don't have to, you know, administer medicine for time. And today or, you know, Harry fluffy down the stairs, like, there's a sense of relief that they're no longer suffering. And we aren't either, because let's face it some sometimes these animals need a lot of care within the gill of, well, gosh, did I do the right thing? You know, we all have that, that kind of replay of like, What could I have done better? So I think, you know, people come into our, we have free virtual support. Now, at all stages of grief, whether it was 10 years ago, you know, you're anticipating the loss, you've got a date planned for, you know, a beautiful income, euthanasia, or maybe you had a sudden loss, and everyone can share their, you know, basically experience strength and hope and tools and resources and understand and relate. And I love, I love giving people permission to let go of the guilt because I wouldn't do that. And it's and you know, what just just made things crystal clear for me was that I did the best I could with what I had at the time, which was perfect. In itself. I'm not perfect, but I provided work on in this, in this case, you know, the best I could. And I can't do more than that. And so it gave me permission, like exhale and say, here's what it is, yes, he could have been out on this farm in the middle of Germany, and probably never made it to adulthood. So let's look at let's look at the positive, let's look at what I was able to provide while he was here. Yeah, instead of instead of the opposite, because ultimately, you know, I want to have joy by life, I want other people that have joined and live and focusing on what what we could have done different doesn't lead to joy and happiness and good memories. And it doesn't serve anything really
Collin Funkhouser 11:43
well. And as we're going through that, that palliative care, because that's again, that's that's what this is, when we're in those older stages, when it was last, you know, what months or weeks of that pets life is, is reminding ourselves to take a step back and still appreciate that time to not get so focused on the details and use that as a distraction from this, this beautiful time that we still have together. And that that can be part of the process as well as as we grow to accept that of this is for a time, it's not forever, but I'm doing the best that I can and that I know how.
Erica M. 12:21
And yeah, there are ways to forgive me for lack of a better term, but make it fun and make the best of it. And recently, I've put together some I think Instagram posts and in my my Facebook group, we've got a loss support group and I say to people, you know, if you are, if you are with a senior pet or an ill pet, you know, have you thought about what their last meal is gonna be? And how creative Can you get it go into the McDonald's drive thru and asking for like, four, four Big Macs squished together, you know, with ice cream on top. And, you know, there's, there's some fun things we get to do we get to break some rules, right, and I'm a rebel. So I've asked my favorite part of like to be bad when it's okay. So to start to think about those kinds of things, and and because ultimately, it's the memories that are going to be left with and isn't it going to be a great story to tell at you know, at gotcha, gotcha day, or whether you celebrate your goodbye day to share these stories with your friends and family and say, remember, what was it? Did we get chili fries? Or was it you know, was it baked Frito chocolate cookies? What was it and let's make them again and then not eat them? Because it's disgusting. But like there's a there's a way to look at it. There's a way to reframe it. Is it all? Is it all sunshine and roses? Absolutely not.
Collin Funkhouser 13:47
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Collin Funkhouser 14:09
If you're looking for new pet sitting software, give time to pet a try listeners of our show can save 50% off your first three months by visiting time to pet.com/confessional. Well, I know we've said the word palliative care a couple of times from your perspective. Erica. Ken, how do you how do you define that or approach that concept as we spend that last last night last time with our pets?
Erica M. 14:32
Yeah, so it's a it's a new area in me and basically, you know, there's a lot of veterinarians that belong to these organizations for International Association for animal hospice and palliative care and they learn, you know, up to date of like the latest and greatest pain management and, you know, ways to support families and you know, without getting to the medicine side Um, you know, it's basically like when your pet is given, you know, a terminal diagnosis recently, and my family, my aunt saw got a brain tumor. And, you know, they were going to manage the time her quality of life, right? It wasn't, it wasn't okay, she's got a tumor and put her down today knows, she could still have sick, they gave her six months, more or less, and in that time, and allowed them to plan the goodbye and the quality of life and, like, manage that. And so with a veterinarian that's experienced in treating animals that are sick or aging, and all of the complications that come with that, you can create a plan so that, if not an immediate goodbye, it's alright, let's, let's work with this. And let's give them the best treatment we can we of course, don't want them to be in pain and suffering. But until that tumor gets to a place where it is causing seizures all the time, which has ended up you know, when they ended, had to say goodbye, um, you know, any got bacon every day, and, you know, and you got to go to her favorite park every day. And they made the most of it, and it made the best of it. And so really, you know, and there's even consultants like sage paws on Instagram, and Dr. Jen, she only does consulting for people with end of life care for their pets. And you know, she does it from a car, show that from her home. And so there are people using go to the Ask the specific question, she's a veterinarian, by the way. And I recommend, you know, finding groups and networks and support for specific things. And always make sure you're consulting a professional, when it comes down to treatment and management, but there's way more resources that I even knew existed, you know, call in two and a half years ago, I didn't know that there were things like, counselors, this is not talked about. And so it's really kind of dive dove into headfirst to this, what I call a treasure trove of information on on how to, you know, help our animals live the best life they can. And, yeah, a lot of that involves the, you know, the end of life care, you
Collin Funkhouser 17:13
start off by talking about managing the quality of life, right? That's, that's it. And in that sense, like palliative care, there's no real like delineation of like, okay, we are in palliative care right now. And we weren't before. Because we're all in some sense, trying to make sure that our pets have their highest quality of life, it just becomes a bit more challenging if they get a terminal diagnosis, or, especially as they age and get way up there in their time with us where it becomes a bit more intensive, and becomes a bit more time consuming for us. And because reminding ourselves that we're not always managing for. Yeah, that terminal case of sometimes, we might not even recognize we're in palliative care, but because our lives have changed for them. But we're so focused on how are they today? How is their pain management? How is their diet, how is it like everything, like we become really invested in that. And it's such a weird time, Erica, because in one sense, we're so focused on our pet. But yet, we can be so distant and removed from them emotionally, right, we can see so focused on their care how they're doing tracking their, their stool, and making and cutting their pills exactly in half. And, you know, even talk to some of our clients who have lost pets to have, like, you're so focused on like, not stepping on them, right, because they're a little, you know, there may be a little off balance, and they're maybe, or maybe they're losing their eyesight, so they don't know that you're there. So you're, you're so used to checking behind you before you turn around. So you don't actually trip or something that when they're gone, we didn't actually appreciate that time that we had with them, because we're so focused on everything else, and really taking that time to give ourselves permission to sit with them. And, and, and, and be present in that moment, as opposed to trying to push all that aside.
Erica M. 18:56
Mm hmm. Yeah. And again, I think it's really important that we look at taking care of ourselves, and making sure that we have what we need to kind of fill up our cup of space or recharge our batteries, so that we can be in a good place to also call and I think it's really important to mention that, you know, we have a third party or someone like a pet professional to give us the feedback. And it could even be a pet caretaker, such as yourself, to help us see the signs objectively because when it's our own pet, we're wrapped up in the emotions that we don't want to specify, of course we don't. But that might blind us a little bit to actually how their quality of life is it's I really think it's a great idea to have some people as a soundboard around you that you can trust, easy to feed back and I actually had to do that for my parents about six months ago so they're serial Doc's and owners. And Lucy was, you know, she wasn't she had a wheelchair I guess, or I don't know what you call them a special thing outfitted because she was having back problems. And, you know, they were doing everything they could in your fondness for tails wagging, and she's happy to see you and she's eating and you know that they were like, alright, we're just gonna, we're just gonna play this by ear, we're gonna, you know, monitor her. But unfortunately, I went home and I saw Lucy and she just had this glazed look on our face. And I was like, you guys, I hate to say it, but it's time it's time like now. She was sort of not explain it, she was like already gone to so dose of Lucy. And so luckily, because of, you know, the knowledge that I had, we arranged for, you know, a beautiful in home euthanasia. And, of course, they have the Wilkins wish cards to kind of help them to do that and would share with me and I would check in on them. And I have to say that it's also really important to have people that will support and understand you to check in on you and to make sure that people are okay, but and also for your, for your listeners to be able to support their clients and check in on them as well and say, Do you mind if I check in with you? Do you mind if I give you a call and see how you're doing? You mind? If I can I bring you food? Like well, how can I show up for you? How can I support you? Because I care for coffee as well. And I want to make this, you know, I want you to be okay, I want you to know that I care. And so there's really I just would love to see people change the conversations they have around pet loss. It's not. It's not an icky thing. It's okay. We all want the support, we're afraid to ask for it. So I'm gonna go out and go out and be like, hey, yeah, call up your neighbor, call up your colleagues call up your mom. What can I bring you? Yeah, well
Collin Funkhouser 21:44
and as as pet professionals to not be afraid to start that conversation again. Because because as you mentioned earlier, Eric, a lot of people go through the stage of list living in denial. And they are not willing. It's not that they don't see the signs, they're not willing to to understand what that they're pushing away. The fact of what that means for them right there. There's a block there to have somebody come alongside and in a loving, supportive way, start that conversation, the relief that so many pet owners have because they don't want to be the first person to say it, let's be honest. Like, they don't want to be deemed the quote unquote, bad guy to talk about, what are we going to do with Baxter, right? What's what's, what's our plan here, and you to be ourselves prepared for that conversation, right? Don't go into this lightly have resources that they know, have a direction to go. But to be able to come alongside somebody take their hand and go. From my perspective, here's what I'm seeing. And I just want you to know that it's time that we start having some conversations, or at least have you thought about what that looks like for you and them. Because I guarantee you they have they just haven't expressed it or don't know the words to do that in a way. And that's an amazing gift that we can give people right as they go through that process of they're just looking for help they're looking for. How do I what do I how do we have so many clients call us like, Okay, well, we just got back from our vacation. How did you think Mimsy looked? Or how was how was Mimsy? Right? And it's like, yeah, I understand. You know, I, you know, here's what, here's our perspective, here's what we think. Here's how we've seen her change since last time. And here's some questions maybe ask your vet and just for you to consider giving them some tools is a great way to to love them through that process.
Erica M. 23:34
Oh, absolutely. And, you know, for for you and your listeners in the in the pet sitters community, you know, you have to first question, you know, how's my relationship with this client? What am I comfortable saying and not saying? And sometimes that might be you know, what, guys, I don't know when the right time is to talk to you about this, but I'm here for you when it is, you know, just extending opening that door and letting them come through it in their own time means so much. And also to say, you know, I'm in the place where I tell people now, you know what, I don't want you to think about this now, but I want you to have the resources. So here, here's my card, go put this in the drawer. And when it's time for you to have when you have questions, pull this out or website text me Call me. And I think that you know, anyone in the pet industry can have that as a resource. And you know, if it's not wolfies wish, then then something that you find useful or helpful and say to your clients, okay, so you know, Annie just got diagnosed with a brain tumor. You know, I'm so sorry. And by the way, here's some resources for when is the right time for you to look at them. I know this is hard to hear right now. So put it away until until you need it. You know, and and I'm here for you and I've got my resources because I listen to pet care confessional and I've got my little arts and little things. But also to I think it's great to for the pet community, the pet professionals community, you have some checklists that they can keep record up and share with families. Or give to the family and say here, let's both keep track, let's compare notes over, you know, each month or, you know, there's so many ways to plan that. And I'm actually in the process of adding some PDF downloads for people to use. And but there's many out there with just the Google search, or you can make your own, you know, go to Google Docs and say, what are the important questions for me or specifically for this client? And because it's, it's, it's everyone's responsibility to prepare for this pod? It's not just the owners, we owe that. Yeah,
Collin Funkhouser 25:41
it's something I'm gonna say, as simple as it's an uncomfortable conversation or can be feel awkward, but look up in your town, Grief counselors. Now, I want you to go and call them and say, Do you specifically? Or will you work with somebody who is working through the grief and the loss of a pet? I run a dog walking and pet sitting company, and I'm trying to put together some resources for my clients. It takes 30 seconds for them to say no, or Yeah, absolutely. Actually, you know, Dave is on or Lauren usually does that, let me get you their contact information. And you take that, and you call the next person, and then the next person, it's so that you can have that on file, right? Or just something that you know, it's a, it's a, it's a prep list, it's a resource that you can have, you know, are the number of clients who maybe the first bet that they've lost personally, right? And what they don't even know what to ask, they don't know what that process is. When do I when when do I need to decide what urn I'm going to get? Or when do I need to decide what what this process looks like? You will have thought of that. Or if you know somebody that can equip them with that information. It's a great thing, just say, look, like you said, haircut like, you don't need this now. Unfortunately, because of the short lives of the pets that are in our life, they're not going to be with us forever. So with this, I hope it collects dust for a really long time. Yeah,
Erica M. 27:06
I hope you don't need this for 20 years was not the Great. Brown by the time you take it out and curl up on the edges. scribbled on the back.
Collin Funkhouser 27:19
Exactly. I know another aspect that you were talking about equipping our clients or people who are in our lives. As you know, we, you've mentioned earlier about self care for people going through this palliative care. What is what does that look like for somebody? And I guess specifically like how can as we as pet sitters help people care for themselves as they care for their aging parents.
Erica M. 27:41
And I just want to touch on that data is great to look up local counselors and having that on hand should people want to meet face to face. For me, I didn't know if that was going to be a good fit for me. So I found someone that I can meet with a resume. And a lot of them will do exploratory calls and make sure that you're comfortable opening up because calling I had to go to a stranger and say I think I've lost my mind. I'm having these symptoms, and I don't know what to do. Is there like a place to go like a mental institution for people that have, you know, cracked because the last their pet died tragically, and she's like, unfortunately, you are run of the mill. Diamond doesn't really suffer. And you're not unique and special, and as a little disappointed events that on this category. But anyway, so that's also resourcing. You know, our our private pet loss group has four counselors in there, they can ask answer questions, and you can kind of get to know them. But to go back to your question about self care, you know, I think that comes down to an individual. There are some general things that I've talked about and the wolfies wish greeting cards such as spending time in nature. And this one is so simple, I almost hate it, but it is so effective. And it's breathing techniques. You We hear it all the time. And I'm like, Yeah, whatever breed Okay, yeah. But when practice for one minute, controlling your breath, literally forces your body and your brain to recalibrate, scientifically proven. So things like that for me, you know, I'm a spa girl. I can't I would live in a spa if I could. So, I know that's my go to, you know, the, the nails on the sides, whatever. And I think that just depends person and person. Maybe it's maybe it's surfing, you know, and so, so I think I think it happens a little bit hard but also like, you know, for me, I like candle ritual that I honor Wolfgang with. It's been the same panel for three years, and I'm worried they're gonna go out of stock to send it to a lab. Afraid read this duplicated but it's really simple stuff. You know, even eating comfort food is a form of self care. For some people, it's sleeping 12 hours for some people, it's exercising, you know, for three hours, I don't know. And that's just, that's just, I think, a very personal thing. And so to bring it up and say, Hey, what are some ways that you can take care of yourself? Is it? How can I support you in that right for your, for your pets in your community, can talk to their clients and say, you know, can I just make, if you wanted to talk to you about this, we'll make some suggestions, you know, you cut some things out of your calendar. So allow yourself some space and time to breathe and really think about your options and what you want, what you need, what your pet needs, but also spend more time to pet right. And it's okay to say no to that party, or no to that weekend away, okay to say, you know, I'm going to skip, you know, chess night or movie night or whatever it is, because I want to spend time with Buffy, you know, our time is limited. Okay, totally. Okay. And not everyone's going to understand. And you say, I'm sorry, I don't understand. Thank you. I wish I could, but I'm gonna do this, you know, stand up for ourselves. Yeah. And what's important?
Collin Funkhouser 31:20
And if they do want to get away, letting them know that they shouldn't have guilt about it, right? Yeah, we've, we've, we've had, we've had clients who have felt like they are like they have gotten to the point with their pet where they feel trapped, and their bubble is so small and their work, they just feel like they are, they can't get out or do anything or that they are beholden to this. And while they love caring for their pet, they also feel that they need some time away, but they feel guilty because they shouldn't be there caring for their pet. It's a very complicated cycle, right of like, okay, I need to get out and I need to go hiking for three hours to get my mental space back. But if I do that, I'm gonna miss Baxter's pill regiment, or he's got to have this shot, or he's got to get outside. And then nobody's caring for Baxter, and I'm over here, selfless, selfless, selfishly on a hike. This is the mental process of people and being able to step in and go, we have it. And you're gonna get photos and video, and we're going to be in the loop the whole time, I'll even FaceTime you or WhatsApp, you know, we'll do a video call if you'd like so you can see how they're doing. And then you can come back when you're done with your hike. Something is just letting them know that that is an option. And in whatever way, whether that's encouraging them to stay in, if they're leaving really busy lives, or encouraging them to step out for a moment, if they need to breathe, and letting them know that that's okay. Because they need to work out how it's going to be best for them. And we need to we can step alongside them in either
Erica M. 32:49
case. Yeah. Oh, well said, you know, it reminds me of a whole I just got off the plane. And so it's like, you know, in case of losing cabin pressure, please assist yourself as it is filed. And really, how are we supposed to care for anyone or anything if we're not taking care of ourselves, and filling up our cups again. And so yeah, that could be a nice hike or afternoon, it's a spa. And it's something something where we can restore batteries and just kind of recharge, and it reminds me of, you know, being in college and like I was I was studying physics for a while it was the hardest thing I've ever done and decided I hated it. But you know, you can't, you can't solve problems. If you're in it 24/7 You can't obsess over something and just be so hyper focused, you have to actually step away and let your brain take a break in order for you to come back and tackle things again. And oftentimes, that little space, you know, and I tell people, when they're grieving, have a digital detox, put your phone away for an entire day, let your brain just be and you'll be amazed at how refreshing it is. And we don't realize it until we've stopped something and backed away at how how much not only energy, but clearer and clearer mind you know, all of these benefits of just kind of checking out and being present was really helpful. Especially
Collin Funkhouser 34:10
when they're staring down a decision that they know they're going to have to make, right this I'm I'm if if I'm if I'm fortunate or lucky, we will be able to decide this. But it's going to be the most gut wrenching decision that they've ever had to make or will make in their life to, to to help their pet cross the Rainbow Bridge. And they can kind of I don't know, sometimes people can feel like I'm so mentally fixated on this one big decision. I don't have the mental bandwidth to make any other decisions. I get overwhelmed really easy because I'm so fixated on this one thing and it's just looming large Am I wake up thinking about it? I eat lunch thinking about I go to bed thinking about this. It's the one thing that's all consuming in my life. And you want me to you want me to decide what like they can feel it can get. It is hard for people to get because they're just so the decision fatigue and mental overwhelm in their life, it can be really big for people, if they don't have a way of processing that or somewhere to go.
Erica M. 35:11
Yeah, absolutely. It's a It's not an easy time at all. And if you're I think it's really great to be in a community where you can ask questions or ask for support, or just such a relief, even for me to check in with someone saying, I'm having a really hard day to day and I know this thing, this thing happened. And I texted a good friend, and they're like, I hear you, I get it. Just the acknowledgement, right. And the validation of, of having a hard time, you know, can mean so much and feel like, we're not alone. So when I was grieving, and in a foreign country, not having a big support community, I felt even more isolated. And, you know, the symptoms of grief are very alarming on even, you know, leaving doors open, leaving a fridge open, leaving milk out, you know, putting putting the milk in the microwave, and just kind of your brain is just recalibrating, and to not feel alone and be able to find a community that understands that it is such a relief. Like I said, I was pretty sure I'd lost my mind and needed to go somewhere special, just like white walls. But no, as part of the grieving process is part of dealing with some trauma. And you know, I'm here today, and I'm okay. And I have joy again. So I want people to know that no matter how bad it is, there's a way out. And, and no one should feel like they're helpless. And if anyone is I have to say if anyone is feeling that way, there's help for you to seek out, you know, professional help. Because, because we, we know how hard it is. And it's important to say that and acknowledge that it's okay to say I'm not okay, our friends
Collin Funkhouser 36:56
at the National Association of Professional petsitter, so the only national nonprofit professional petsitting association dedicated to raising and abiding by industry standards. Now HTTPS provides pet sitters with little tools and resources to own and operate successful pet sitting businesses. They just wrapped up their 2024 in person conference in Savannah, Georgia, the bloom and grow your business. But the education and learning doesn't stop there. Year round members have access to ongoing education, webinars, and even the NAPS certification course. This acknowledges that pet sitter is a serious professional who's obtained a high level of expertise. Through their study and dedication. Visit the NAPS website at pet sitters taught org for information regarding membership, that certification and complete details about what membership includes, you know, each each country has those emergency hotlines, right for people get connected with and I'll make sure I'll have those in the show notes. So whether it's for yourself if you're listening, or if you have a client in particular to give them somebody to go talk to who may be able to get them better connected to even more resources or is a professional in this as well. Because as a lay person, it's kind of, it's like, I don't know what to do with this information right at times, or clients may look to you. And if you're not prepared, and it's not bad, if you're not prepared, it's okay. It's how do then do we continue to have this conversation of whether it's a full conversation with me, or I can give them a car to talk to somebody online or a phone number to call or an address to go to and talk to like, we that is how we can prepare. I know me emotionally I cannot have this conversation with every single one of my clients like I just yeah, it would be too much for me, but can we embrace them, and then help them by showing them some support is where we can take that. And sometimes that's as simple as the clients just want to, especially when they're in that palliative care and they're in that life stage. Sometimes they just they want to be able to talk about some good times or reflect on some happiness and and what their pet was when they first got it and having those conversations then right have those happy memories and taking them not saying look it's not that right now isn't sad right now isn't hard and we're not it's not that we're avoiding this. But let's let's focus on the the joy to as you said like you know, you're happy person joyful person, we seek that stuff out. We can bring that because we experienced that and those emotions were just as real as what we're experiencing right now.
Erica M. 39:27
Yeah, and I do want to say you know, we do have a lot of those resources and hotlines and places so even the, you know, your community and listeners don't have to do all the homework on them themselves. It's great to have local things, but you know, print out like there's a lot of free downloads we offer especially for the anticipatory grief parts because I think it's such a new concept. People are like, wait, what how do you use this? To print out the first page, cut them out, give them to your client and say, you know, if you like these, you like where what this is about, you know, go to the swish and see what's there or how can I help you find that resources you need, and what that looks like. So I don't want anyone to feel like they have to climb that mountain alone. And that's why I put together the resources, right? Yes, I have, you know, pet loss gifts. And I have sympathy cards I've designed for and with veterinarians, so a lot of new things out there. But it's really about the resources, and getting people connected with podcasts with YouTube channels, you know, with illicitly samplers, and books, even so that everyone can be informed and find what they want, what kind of help they need. Ya know,
40:35
I know we've, we've been talking about anticipatory grief and the kind of what that is the process that it's important to embrace that. Is there a point where anticipatory grief can become unhealthy or unhelpful for somebody, I guess that that turn where all of a sudden somebody gets stuck in that. And as only I know, like, fully focused on that thing coming up. And and that kind of obsessively point where it does impact our life?
Erica M. 41:04
No, I think that's very normal. And I found myself, I remember this day, I was sitting in my chair, and I was like, I don't want to get stuck here, I can see, right now, I could go either way, I could be stuck in my grief the rest of my life and be that person, or I can find a way out of this. And that takes a lot of courage, it felt like walking through fire to be quite honest. And not everybody can do that. And I think if any, if any of your listeners, you know, are in the pet, pet profession, and they recognize that and as client to offer them resources for specifically like a pet loss counselor, I think that is so individual and such a difficult path to navigate. That it's not a matter of handing someone a book, they're not going to read it, they don't have the mental capacity, like you said, they're already in the obsessive. Yeah. So the really connecting them with a counselor, I think is for a specialist is the best point, best choice at that point. And for people that are listening, that maybe in that spot themselves, and you know, come into our virtual support group, and you can meet some of the counselors and see if that's a good fit. But that's, that's a really important point to acknowledge. Because that that can be developed dating, that can be something that people don't recover from. And if they don't, they're not going to want another pet. Right? If they don't find a way through that they're not going to go and do the things they used to do during that they enjoyed about five. And I don't want to see that. I don't want to see that in anybody. Yeah,
Collin Funkhouser 42:39
it's kind of a question of all of us, just like when you're with your pet, are you still enjoying them? And your day? Or is the only thing that you're thinking about and obsessing over is when they won't be with you anymore? And to go to recognize, acknowledge it, that's real, I am going to miss them deeply. How can I be more present with them and find joy with them? Like and then going and getting that help? Am? And just having some of that simple conversations with people like it's, I say simple, but because they're very hard, right? Of how do I start this conversation? But I think at the end of the day, we need to have those conversations earlier rather than later. Because, yeah, it because that really does not that the not that the grief on the other side won't be just as impactful and painful and hurt. We're not going to bawl our eyes out, you know, then, but we've we've started that process a little bit earlier. So whether it's sudden or not, we can say we were just a little bit
Erica M. 43:38
prepared for it. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, we're gonna suffer ourselves, no matter what. Yeah, well, we don't want our pets to suffer. And it sounds like you know, it's, it's that stage when, when it starts to get a little muddy, and we're not seeing too clearly, you know, I am in some veterinary Facebook groups and a lot of I ask questions all the time and they say Erica, it's really better to say goodbye to a pet, you know, a day to early than a month to wait, you know, and that really put things in perspective for me from the scientific into the medicine, veterinary side is that we don't we don't want our animals to suffer and that's why it's so important to have someone that you can consult with during that time to make that decision. And again, I know this is not fun to talk about I get it and that's why I say okay, when you're when you have when if you want to just keep your head in the sand until it's time to start this process then go to wealthy swish then look out the resources then look up our blog and plan you know end of life care and saying goodbye in your home with the in home Indonesia veterinarian, it's I can't think of a better way to Yeah, you have to decide if you want to bury your pet or permit your pet. But it's better to have those those ideas that day. Now rather than be stuck, like I was, I wasn't prepared to move on died on the way to the vet. And I had met him as a kitten. How did I, I've never had the chance to think about that. And do I regret it? Yeah, I do. Because I had never thought about it until it's like, you know, I hate to say it, but even you have a healthy young animal. Have an idea of what you want to do on that day, just take one minute to talk to your your family, and then write it down. You know, like a widow, like, put it in a drawer, hope that it's wrinkled and and torn and got ketchup stains on it by the time you dig it out. Yeah. God willing, but this, this is going to happen. There's no denying it. And please just just acknowledge that, that, that that's a reality and just make that tiny little decision ahead of time, at least know
Collin Funkhouser 45:52
and it's because decisions after the factor are weighty and hard. And even during palliative care or hospice care are, it's weighty and hard. And we're mentally fatigued, and it's a mental burden and overwhelm. And now you want me to think about what color the urn is like, oh, my gosh, I can't even imagine I'm going to wait till tomorrow, right? And it's like, well, let's, let's have some conversations. Maybe before our judgment is clouded with with pain and, and have more clarity in this, you know, I'll never forget before my grandma passed away, she'd she'd say, hey, walk around the house. And if you like something, put your name on it. Here's a post it note, right? And it's like, maybe what are you doing? Like, this is morbid. I'm not happy with this. But you know what, at the time she we had, we were able to joke about it, we could laugh and I was picking out right and stuff. And after the fact it was, here's a box of stuff that made me wanted me to have, right and it was like, Oh my gosh, man, she was really good at that. And same thing too, with our pets, we can think about what would their favorite color be? Right? What would we want to have on engraved? What was in the happy times? It's easier to think about those things, you know? So our dog, he would he would have been 16 next month. But last week, he tragically passed away after a tumor ruptured, and he went into violent seizures. And we were only unprepared for this. And because it was it was one of those moments where the vet was like, it was an undiagnosed tumor, right. So we had completely and even while Kobe was in the hospital for this, the vet ran a blood panel. And he was like, Well, other than the fact that, you know, he's, he's on the way out. He's completely healthy, right? It's completely. And it was just one of those things of like, all of the little things building up to that. And here we are in this moment that we didn't choose, we didn't know. And what do we do? Right? It was that moment of now what? And I was very thankful for a lot of the conversations that we had had. And now it's like, Well, I gotta go get the kids and I'm driving to get the kids and all of a sudden, the kids are in the car. And I was like, wait, what do I say to them? Like how now now. So it's not to say that, even with planning, you will have thought of everything. And even with planning, you know, everything will go smoothly. But at least you've built up a few muscles, right? And a few resources to help that process. Help you process the process, I'll say, because, again, like you don't want to feel like you're lost. Because that's where that despair comes in Erica, where it all of a sudden, oh, gosh, I had a frozen. Now what? And we can have those conversations are there we I know we keep coming back to that. But they're so critical. Because as you as you experienced here, because like nobody talks about this, nobody has these online. Nobody, this isn't anywhere. How do we how do we come with alongside people? And in that loving and compassionate way, help guide them and let them know that we're hurting too.
Erica M. 48:52
Yeah, and I'm so sorry to hear that. And it reminds me, you know, we need to book another podcast because I started a new company specifically focused on kids and pet loss to other people. And without saying more, you know, I think I would love to address that because a lot of your listeners, you know, their, their clients have families and the families have kids. And, you know, a lot of times this is their first law, their pet. And if and if it's if it's done in a healthy way, and you know, parents grieve in a healthy way the kids learn how to grieve. And you can really make a big change for those kids and the rest of their lives. Right. So when they come across grief again, and then the many forms that it takes up on us. They know how to go through it with dignity, they know how to go through it in a healthy way. We're not assimilating all this negativity or baggage or or denial. So it's really, really a big, it's got a big ripple effect. And I would love to talk more about that. And I think the simplest thing to say right now is just that you need to be honest with kids and tell them you know, you're hurting, show them tears and because that's part of the healing process and just be aware are with them. I remember my first, my first loss and it was very sudden, I know and prepared me I didn't even know our dog was told seven times about, like dogs live forever, and how devastating that really was. And just just being blindsided, quite honestly, on. So anyway, that's my own stuff. But I, you know, it definitely makes me who I am today and the experiences that I had, you know, a full song made me who I am today, I didn't, I didn't wake up one day call in and be like, I'm gonna get you know what honey, I'm gonna get into the pet loss realm. Well, you think it just happened as soon as I'm calling. And, you know, the more I learn, and the more I grow with it, the more excited I get and to to help people and, and connect with them and relate to them and show them that, hey, I feel like I'm a heritage, this person was saying this like, recovered at loss, I had to come up with a better way about that. But you can go through it is basically my message to people. Yeah. And
Collin Funkhouser 51:05
kids or even adults can can learn ways to grieve that are maybe more healthy than what they're used to. I think that's important to have, as we as we talk with our clients, it's one acknowledging that the pain is real, or that it will be real to that their position is that we see them in kind of their struggle through palliative care as they begin to grieve, you know, go through this anticipatory grief of their pet. And three, we can equip them with those resources. And what that does is it equips them with tools, languages, and language in action in their life of something as simple as I recognize, like I had to explain my grief to our kids. Why was I crying? Why was I crying? I didn't want to just see that I was crying and sad, because I knew they were hurting inside. So they needed to hear some emotions for me of like, I'm sad, because, right, and just explaining, and letting them know, so they could have words to feel these to describe these feelings and emotions that they had. And were what was the source of this. So it wouldn't be as confusing. Not that it won't be or it won't be trying times. But giving people that can help them go. Now I can I can talk about this a little bit better, or I can go I know where to go. And I can help I can be helped him that much. Erica kind of in. In closing here, I know you've you've talked about wolfies wish a little bit. But it's there's a lot of factors in that as far as like what all you do, because he only started with the cards. And so now you started a group and you're pulling together resources. If somebody's looking for those resources, looking to get connected and find things either for themselves or their clients, what all is wolfies wish doing these days or what what other resources have Have you found? Oh,
Erica M. 52:56
goody, I'm so excited. So actually just released kids coloring books. And that's available on our site and Amazon. So we are I am already like branching out into that. But I'm putting together actually kind of a a grief course where you get an email a day to help you through your, your difficulty and just a little tiny nuggets, right, like five minutes a day. And that's really what my whole philosophy is about is small, digestible, manageable, simple things. I couldn't read a book, I didn't have the capacity, right, are already overwhelmed with so many other things, like you said, decision fatigue. So the grieving cards, you know, are designed to be read once a day for three days. Same thing with the anticipatory card. And so it's a bit that's the philosophy of everything I do is simple, digestible. But the Resources page just keep growing. You know, and I have demoed podcast and let's just say next year, it gets busy times and so that it's just one more modality that people can reach out to, you know, whether they're on a walk, or they're commuting, they're getting a little nugget, rural tip, a little bit of hope. And so we did just release or develop well, he's wished that you and so that has the greeting cards and five languages that you can kind of play like a little game, where you, you click you, it's called, like, play with Wolfie and you like stroke on him, and then you get a card. So we're expanding, you know, in trying to, I'm developing the wolfies wish dot d site right now, because we were already selling here in Germany. And, you know, I just hope that it just continues to grow and, you know, we end up being the go to place for for when people are ready to talk about and look for resources, that there's something there for everyone everywhere. Yeah,
Collin Funkhouser 54:47
absolutely. And Eric, I'm gonna have links to your your website and other things that we've talked about so people can get connected. Find the coloring books, you know, I see you can go If you have kids or know people like that, or just the grief, or the grieving cards or whatever that is going going, what do I think is appropriate? And how I can help this this client, right? Is it? Is it cards? Is it somebody in here to talk to? Is it a local counselor like that's, that's something that we can put together and decide, like, again, as you mentioned, like, what's our relationship with this client? How do we get connected with this person and, and finding the best fit? And sometimes it's not, it's letting them guide that as well. It's like, Hey, here's here's four or five things. And not Oh, sorry, here's four or five things and not really overwhelming them. But also just saying, like, here are options, and then helping them decide which ways through that. So, right, like,
Erica M. 55:37
check this out, here's one thing reticence, I really love the idea of printing out the affirmation cards that are free, cutting them off and putting them in a letter or a card. And we now have a line of sympathy cards, too. So that just kind of came by demand naturally and organically. So, you know, and I do. I work with a lot of, you know, international organizations. And so hopefully, you know, I can't carry all this message by myself, I can't do it all by myself. But good, thank you for giving me a platform to talk about this. And to have people you know, they have the option to listen or not, or skip to the next episode. But at least it's a vehicle to talk about it and get it out there. And, you know, for anyone that's listening, I hope it's been helpful. And, you know, it's now you know, have a place to go. So just bookmark you know, welcome swish on your browser. And, and when that day comes, you need it for your clients. Oh, I got it. I don't have to, you know, scramble.
Collin Funkhouser 56:32
Erica, always a pleasure getting to speak with you, thank you so much for this topic. It is genuinely important that we prepare ourselves we help our clients prepare, prepare for it, because it will happen. And every little thing that we can do can help them and ourselves that much more when it actually wouldn't. We do have to face that. So I really appreciate you having the conversation with us today. Okay.
Erica M. 56:54
Well, thank you for giving me the platform I appreciated
Collin Funkhouser 56:58
resources and conversation. Two of the most powerful things and gifts you can give your clients and yourself today, pulled together those local resources of counselors of organizations of support groups, have those pamphlets and websites, webinars, trainings, at the ready,
Erica M. 57:19
and then approach your clients and ask yourself, How am I doing today? And what's the plan here?
Collin Funkhouser 57:27
Let's start just a little bit of conversation with those around us who we know are in that state of anticipatory grief, so that we can help them right now, before the times get really hard. Conversations, maybe awkward, maybe a little bit difficult. But there's such a loving way to reach out to our clients and support them when they don't even know they need support. We'd like to thank today's sponsor is time to pet and the National Association of Professional pet sitters for making today's show possible. We really want to thank you so much for listening. We hope you have a wonderful rest of your week. And we'll be back again soon.
