325: Hosting Pet Loss Memorial Events with Coleen Ellis
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How do you host a pet loss memorial service? Living in a ‘death avoidance’ society, many are uncomfortable with the idea of facing death and the passing of a pet. As pet sitters, we can position ourselves as leaders in the community of hurting people who have lost their pets. We can create safe spaces for them to grieve and find others to support them in their mourning work. Coleen Ellis, founder of the Two Hearts Pet Loss Center, joins the show to share what it takes to put on an effective pet loss memorial service. She gives details on elements you can include, and ones to avoid.
Main topics
What should we call it?
Why are they needed?
Typical structure
Growing the community
Things to avoid
Main takeaway: Hosting a pet loss memorial events helps people in your community understand that the grief we have is the price we have for love, and that there is support for them.
About our guest:
For Coleen, her foray into helping grieving pet lovers started in 1998 with a chance encounter with a pet parent facing the death of her beloved pet. It was the beginning of a vision of how to best meet the needs of pet parents in their desire to mourn, memorialize and pay tribute to their beloved pets when they die. In 2004, the experience of the death of Mico guided her in starting the nation’s first stand-alone pet funeral home. Soon, publications such as Kates-Boylston’s Pet Loss Insider deemed her the “most well known pet funeral director” and a true “pet loss pioneer.” Two Hearts Pet Loss Center was founded in 2009 to guide people who wished to do the same in providing meaningful pet death care services in their communities. Two Hearts was also started to aid in being an educational resource in the pet grief discipline. In 2009, she received the first Death and Grief Studies Certification specializing in Pet Loss Companioning by Dr. Alan Wolfelt as well as releasing her first book, Pet Parents: A Journey Through Unconditional Love and Grief. She is also Certified in Thanatology and is a Certified Pet Loss Professional. By 2014, Coleen was ready to take her vision to a new level. Joining Nick Padlo as managing partner and Chief Marketing Officer, they formed an acquisition company whose mission was to standardize and raise the service levels of the pet loss industry. The Pet Loss Center strives to be the nation’s premier pet loss service, elevating the experiential component of pet loss and grief care across the country. In 2019, she shifted her position with The Pet Loss Center to an Advisory/Consultant role in order to focus more fully on Two Hearts and those demanding education, mentoring, and coaching in the pet death care space. Coleen is an internationally sought-after speaker on the topics of pet loss and grief. Through her delivery style, pet care professionals learn a variety of techniques immediately applicable to implement on how to companion families in their grief journey. Furthermore, her talks to pet parents give them the permission they need to not only grieve but mourn the loss of their beloved pet. Coleen is the founder and past co-chair of the Pet Loss Professionals Alliance and past president of the International Association of Animal Hospice and Palliative Care, where she currently serves as an advisor. She is a native of Kansas where she graduated from Fort Hays State University with a Bachelor of Science degree in Marketing. She currently sits on the Board of Trustees for Fort Hays State University, and is a recipient of the 2018 Alumni Achievement Award, the college’s highest recognition for graduates. Dallas, TX, is where Coleen and her husband, Chris Burke, reside. They share their home with their four-legged kids, Crisco and Rudy.
Links:
https://twoheartspetlosscenter.com/mico-harry-ellie-story
https://www.petangelmemorialcenter.com
https://www.petsitterconfessional.com/episodes/110-pet-loss-and-grieving-with-coleen-ellis
Her book for kids on dogs and cats
poooli machine: https://www.poooliprint.com
Check out Gusto: https://gusto.com/d/collin1453
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A VERY ROUGH TRANSCRIPT OF THE EPISODE
Provided by otter.ai
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
pet, people, colin, grief, event, honor, community, life, ceremony, animals, pet sitters, shelter, memorial service, service, readings, day, word, died, loss, cry
SPEAKERS
Collin Funkhouser, Collin, Coleen Ellis
Collin Funkhouser 00:10
Hello, I'm Meghan. I'm Collin. And this is Pet Sitter confessional and open and honest discussion about life as a pet sitter brought to you by time to pet and pet sitters International. What does it mean to host a pet loss or Celebration of Life memorial service for those in our community who have lost a pet and a furry family member? What role do pet sitters play in the grief process of our clients? And how can we help people come together, find a community and start healing together? Today, Colleen Ellis, founder of to heart pet loss center, joins the show again. She was previously on episode 110. And she shares how we can make the most out of these services, things we should do and some things we should avoid.
00:53
Let's get started.
Coleen Ellis 00:55
Yes, absolutely. Thank you for having me. First of all, I can't believe I don't remember how long it's been. But it's been too long. That's all I know. Because I love being in your world. I love it. Hey, everybody. As Colin said, I'm Colleen Ellis. And I actually started the first standalone pet funeral home in the country almost 20 years ago. And I gotta tell you, since then I wake up in the morning and everything that I do is for and about all these special little creatures that absolutely rock our world. And I love being here to chat with your group, Colin because it because I feel like what I do with the end of life is is the crescendo to the amazing care that your guys your pet sitters and the care that they give and the and the care that our parents are asking us to give to them. My part of it is is the Christian though I get I get to the end, I get to this one part that we're all going to face as a loving pet parent. And it's the death of our precious loves. And so I have the when I get the when not the if I have the when and what I'm anxious to share with your group today is how can we together? How can we as the village that services, these parents, give them the permission, give them the support, give them the venues, give them the platforms that they can come to and honor, I'm going to say this word a gazillion times today with you the human animal bond, because that's what it's all about. Right? Even with your people that are there. Your people when they go into the home, your colleagues, our colleagues, the sitters, when they go into the home, that's exactly what they're doing to they're honoring this human animal bond by saying, I am here to care for them just like you care for them. When when you can't be here. For me at the end of life, Colin, I say the same thing. I say listen, I give them the same dignity and respect and death that you gave them in life. And for everybody on here, that concept right there for the love of animals. And for the love of being able to assist in this one thing that's going to happen to all of us, which is the death of our precious pets. Those are the things that really are my why. And that's my Wi Fi or that gets me up every day, I want to add another thing as to what I do. And I am also executive director for the International Association for animal hospice and palliative care. And I want to tell you, we have a lot of pet sitters that are in our association, because they like to add this element to their care for their families and being able to say, what can I do have a pet sitter to help on that end of life journey is approaching. And maybe it's some care elements, you know, maybe maybe we up our cooking of food that we take over to that family because they're so focused on taking care of this pet who is now terminal, and is facing this end of life. So I can't wait to unpack all of that with you. One.
Collin Funkhouser 03:58
I'm really excited about that, as well. And you touched on that word you said we say this a lot is about honoring. And I think that's something to remember that every moment that we have with that pet with that animal is very special. And we that those are things that we can carry forward both in our memories and in honoring the relationship that pet has with the owner that changes how we interact with them, that changes the seriousness to which we approach that time that care or that service that we're providing them. And I think it's when we focus on this idea of of hosting an event and you said bringing the community together bringing these tribes together. I do think that that words are really important. And so for me as my wife, Megan and I started to kind of think about putting on an event we really struggled with what to call it what do I call is this is this a pet loss event? Is this a celebration event? Walk us through on how those terms impact people's perception of what's what's going on.
Coleen Ellis 04:57
In our society is really interesting Colin we're We're a death avoidance society, we aren't we are a society that says if I die, okay, we're a society that says, if my pet dies, yeah, and man, I tell you what I, that one hurts my heart a little bit, because I'm like, It's it, this is a win, you guys, this is a win, okay, so we've got to be prepared, we've got to know what we're gonna do when that day comes, we've got to know, we've got to know, you know, we've got to do what we can do to remove the fear of the unknown. And so we do live in this death avoidance society. And I think that's a lot of the reason that the word funeral has almost come out of our vocabulary. And the word celebration of life has come in darken our vocabulary. Because we don't want to set the perception that you're going to come to something sad because a funeral sad, right? But we're going to go to a celebration of life, and maybe it's happy, and maybe we won't cry. And let me tell you something. Here's what I say to people about my funeral. When that day comes, you've got to bawl your eyes out, I want you to bawl your eyes out, because I want to know, You're gonna miss me, I want to know you're going to miss me, I don't want it to be a happy occasion, I want to know that I affected you. And that in the way that I affected you, you're going to be sad that I'm not here. And so we view having tears as this as the sign of weakness or something that that may be as morose you know, that we're going to go to this funeral and it's going to be just, you know, it's all going to be full of Debbie downers. And, and I want us to realize that it's okay to cry. It's, it's okay to use the word memorial service. It's okay to use those words, but it's also okay to use the word celebration of life. It's okay. I know we're getting ready to have our, our International Association for animal hospice, our conference. And at the end of every conference, I always do an honoring ceremony. And we call it that and honoring ceremony. I play a video tribute of people's pets and we set it to beautiful music. And I have, I have readings and if I can't, I'll have a bagpiper show up. And if I can't, I'll have live musicians show up. And we'll just well, it's just a really beautiful way for us to do a couple things, Colin, not only honor the pets that have rocked our world, but to honor us as professionals in the work that we do. And to honor our pet parents in the love they give. That's what we get to do. And it's such a beautiful uses word again, it's such a beautiful crescendo that we can all come together and say, Man is pet sitters we gave it 100% as pet parents, I gave it 100%. And for these precious little loves, I want to tell you something. If I've heard this once I've heard it a gazillion times with with pet parents after their pet has died. And they've said to me, all I want to know is that I did everything for them. Everything. And so for us that that's listening on this on this session today, to be able to say hey, I got one more thing you can do, you can come to this honoring ceremony or this memorial service or the celebration of life or, you know, September's is pet Memorial month, whatever it may be, you're going to come and we're going to honor these pets. And you know what, we might cry, we might cry? Because I miss them. Right? Yeah. Now, I want to tell you something else. And I may be jumping ahead on your questions here. But I want to add this into it. I tell you the other thing that I really love to do on these Pet Services, October, October is the month that you're going to see a lot of pet blessings. Okay, October 4, just a little a little, little reasoning here. October 4 Is the feast day of St. Francis, who is the patron saint of pets, the patron saint of the lowly, which is our pets. So October 4, you'll see a lot of pet blessings around that day, you'll see a lot of during October, which is the feast month of St. Francis. And so there's a lot of pet blessings that happened during that month. A lot of times in the September October timeframe. I'll combine both of those services. And so we honor today. And we honor the past. And it gives us an opportunity to bless those pets that are with us today. And to honor those pets that have have gone on before us and that have taken our heart with them. So it's a really beautiful combination.
Collin Funkhouser 09:33
It does and I think that helps frame it a little bit because even whenever we have been talking with people about the event, it's kind of awkward for me to say, Oh, I'm really looking forward to this.
Collin 09:45
It's because you did you said we are at a death avoidance society. And so it does come off kind of morose to say we're really excited to have this event. It's like, oh, you're excited. Why would you be excited about that? And it's like, well, we're excited about the opportunity. And that's what we're trying to work with that like the opportunity this gives people and really from for us, it was important because we saw a lot of pet parents who were very isolated with this grief. And, and it really became for us eye opening of like, this is one of those griefs in your life that is socially unacceptable to talk about with other people. And when you recognize what pets mean to their parents, it would be different. It'd be weird if somebody didn't say, Oh, I'm really sad today. Because last year, my grandma died today. And nobody knows. Very few people know what to do with that kind of grief with their pet. And for us, it was, we would like an opportunity to give people a chance to wear that, as you said, at the top where they have permission to do that, and really, really focusing on the opportunity that this gives them. Yeah, you
Coleen Ellis 10:51
know, well, it's because I know you're big on words. And I am to Colin. So it's an honor to have this ceremony. It's a privilege to have this ceremony. And it's a beautiful opportunity to pay tribute. So there's some really cool words that we can use that that are that are peaceful, that warm our heart a little bit. Let's talk another word, because you've kind of danced around it. And you didn't say the exact word. But pet loss is a disenfranchised grief. It's a grief when we go deal with it on our own, because we've got 30% of our population who don't get it 30% of our population don't have a pet. Okay. And so we've got 30% of our population that are going to look at us and say, well, it was just a dog, it was just a cat. And by the way, it happened yesterday, are you not over it already. And so it's a very disenfranchised group where we can line 10 people up, and we can tell them our grandmother died. And all 10 of them are going to say something like, I'm sorry, right? Hey, we can line 10 people up and we gotta be real careful. Which one of the seven we pick to say my dog died? Because if we hit one of the three, it's going to be nothing, not the response we want. Right? Yeah. Okay, so I got to tell you a story. So I had a friend of mine, who had a beautiful pop, that was a therapy dog at his, at his funeral home and is human funeral home. And everybody in town knew all of her. Everybody knew Oliver. And Oliver did work in the community and, and Mark referred to Oliver as his son, and firstborn. All the words, all the words are the people that are our people, right? Those are our people, right? So all of our dies. Oliver dies on December 26. They'll never forget it. Oliver dies on December 26th. And Mark was a hot hot mess. And so a few days later, Mark says to me that a few people in the community came to him and said, Mark, when will you have a funeral for Oliver? And Mark thought, oh, goodness, me. I didn't even think about that. But yes, Oliver was the community's dog, I will have a funeral for Oliver.
12:58
So a month later, a few 100 people show up all over. Now I gotta tell you something interesting.
Coleen Ellis 13:06
Mark said to me of the few 100 people that that showed up, a large majority of them brought the urns of their own animals from home. And as I tell my human funeral directors, I go, have you ever had a service, a feat of a memorial service for somebody's mother and everybody else brings their own mother's urn that never happened? That never happens, right. But when it was for all of her, and it was a safe place to go, because it was a funeral for a dog. And so these people who came, I'm sure in their head and in their heart said nobody will shame me for going there and taking my own urns. And Colin, I gotta tell you what I believe happened. I believe none of them heard Oliver's name, but they heard their own dog's name and their own app's name. And they just inserted those names into the readings and whatever else happened. Don't you agree with me?
Collin Funkhouser 14:03
Yeah, they did. They did because they didn't have an outlet for that anywhere else you mentioned we have to be very careful about who we approach this topic with and if you can imagine somebody who is in a workplace and they're really struggling that day, because their dog died yesterday how do I have this conversation with my boss or my co workers of why I'm not really present right now and and maybe I'll just won't show up. And there's a lot of that guilt that starts to approach in with people as well when they don't have appropriate places to go through that grieving process. And so I think that's one reason why these kinds of services are so are so needed because they do provide that this is safe, you can bring bring what you can bring what you need it as you go through that, that process.
Coleen Ellis 14:46
Yeah, you know, I always start these services off and if anybody on here needs a template, I'm happy to share because I do these all the time and I'm happy to share my template. But I always start my services off with you know, I'm gonna guess there's, there's one of three reasons that you've come here today. Number one to say your goodbyes. Number one, number two, I'm sorry, number two, to ask for forgiveness, because maybe you made the call. And you need to say I'm sorry. As you feel like you need to say you're sorry. And number three, maybe you need to forgive yourself for some things that are wrapped up in this did I do everything, because we have a lot of questions that come with that a lot. And so I always start the service off with those three things, just to ground it, and to say, You know what, I want to normalize some of these things for you. And I want to give you a platform, and I want to give you the space to lean in and to invite these things into your heart, and to begin to work with them and to begin to work on them. Because the only way we make movement in our grief journey, Colin is through morning work morning is our is our the active version of grieving, and we've got to mourn, to mend. We've got to mourn, to mend. And so this whole service, giving them things to do to honor the pet and the life they shared and the time they shared and the love they shared. Giving them all that they need to now go make sure they continue to do their morning work and to make movement in their journey.
Collin Funkhouser 16:15
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16:19
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Collin 16:44
If you're looking for new petsitting software, you have time to print a try, listeners of our show can save 50% off your first three months by visiting time to pet.com/confessional. Let's you mentioned a template and kind of how these things look, what kind of structure should we go for or kind of progress of things to do in a service? Because many people may think of this and go, I don't know what to say, I don't know, we're just gonna get together and kind of do something. But so what kind of things could we do in a service like this,
Coleen Ellis 17:16
you know, I would really encourage that this, the ceremony is structured, because people, when people are in grief, their entire world is kind of unraveled, and there's no structure to it. And so to come to an event that doesn't have a structure is just going to be one more element that's out of control in their life, right. And so I would highly encourage that there's some structure around this event, who's going to do the readings, what readings are you going to do? What what's sharing of the harder you're going to do. And I'll give you some some different ways that I've done this. I've had it where people when they show up, there's the table that set up with some butcher paper on it or some brown paper and they can light a candle, you know, if we're going to be inside, we can light a candle in honor of their pet. Another thing that I'll do is I'll have people email me photos of their pet and I'll create a tribute video, those are so easy to do with the programs on on on the office system or on on a iPad or you know, on Apple Computer, they're incredibly easy to do. And to set it to some touching music. I always and everybody knows this is my trademark. I always set my videos to bet Mendler Wind Beneath My Wings. And the song within itself will stab you in the heart as you well know that man we know these animals they are they are that wind beneath our wings. They are strange so many times. And so I have my signature song. And so I asked for these videos. So people get there, they can write a note to their pet and light the candle. Alright, if we're outside, I'm still do something like that, because you got the little candles that you can turn on. So you can still have this segues beautifully into the very first poem that I read, which is in the candles glow. And it talks about all of our pets that are up on the ridge, that across Rainbow Bridge and looking down and the candles glow. And it goes to this whole beautiful set. So it's a really natural, beautiful organic segue into the first poem. I have a story that I read that talks about and it's something I've written, it talks about, you know, as we come here, today, we're going to do two things. We're going to mourn the loss, and we're gonna celebrate the life and permission to do both. And then I go through a reading and I'll pick people when I when I do them. I may pick our Humane Society CEO or Executive Director, I may pick a a celebrity that's in our market that might do a reading or I select a poem that I want them to read. If you know a musician, have them play something that that is there's so many beautiful songs that are really animal centric, that we can play If not, I love rainbow bridge by the Oh, and I can't say his name, the Hawaiian gentleman law or over the way, it's sorry, Somewhere over the rainbow love that beautiful one, it's easily found you can play that, get a nice, you know music system there and play that. And then as we wrap up, maybe you have a minister that doesn't but addiction. And then what I like to what I really like to end my ceremonies with is a bubble release. And I've created a reading that is actually on my website that people can download and print out and you can add your own logo to it. And at the end, when everybody goes out, you can buy just those little bubbles that we use for weddings or whatever, and just do a really beautiful bubble release that in, in the words of the poem in the story, symbolically release them to our Creator.
Collin Funkhouser 20:53
There's so much there that you can dig into. And I really liked the idea of involving other members of the community. Because you know, we look at this, and it's may feel really daunting for a lot of us going oh, what, what role do I play? Do I have to be leading all of this? Is this all up to me to do? And it sounds No, like there's a because there's an opportunity there for other people to come and involved in right now. I'm sure we're all thinking of a few people who go, they would be really good at this or they would, this would be a really good opportunity to have them there. Whether that's other dog walkers or pet sitters, other business owners, maybe it's the owner of the the funeral home that has something for pets there or other things like that, or other Grief counselors that can come in and give because it can highlight again, there's so many people here that can help support you on this journey. And it's another reminder for everybody of just what kind of village is there for us.
Coleen Ellis 21:50
Absolutely. And you just nailed it right there. You nailed it. And I know for some people, you and I are a little bit different because we're really happy with a microphone who we love on microphone. Don't wait. Me on microphone. But there's a lot of people who are petrified of a microphone. And that's all right, because then you find somebody like Collin or if you say hey, listen, my role is going to be to facilitate to coordinate this ceremony. And I found this one person to be the emcee of ceremonies. I've got this minister reading this Rabbi participating, the executive director of a shelter CEO of our Humane Society, look, you know, look up, look your head up a little bit and see who else has been really instrumental, and maybe has a little bit of a big voice in your market and talking about animals and shelters and rescue and what have you got a mouth in your in your market? I can assure you, every market does, every market does, right? Yeah, find that person, they will be thrilled to say I would love to be an emcee of ceremonies of this thing. I would love it. And and all you need to do and again, happy to share. All you need to do is give me give me kind of what you're, you know whether it's a script, or say, Would you mind speaking from the heart on animals in the human animal bond? And in doing that, and I always in the sessions, Colin, I make sure we really talk about the human animal bond. And what that means to us, because that's really why we're there. It's not there to talk about adoption. It's not there to talk about anything else. But for my broken shattered heart. That happened because I had a had a bond with an animal. That's what I need you to talk about. Keep it in, keep it in the fairway. Yeah, yeah. Cuz it's,
Collin Funkhouser 23:38
it helps keep it focused, it keeps it less distracted. And it also helps us as we talk about people going through that morning work, it allows them to stay in that process. Because if our goal, I do think we need to think about what our goal for the hosting the event is, if our goal is to genuinely help people in their morning work, how what do we need to focus on? And how do we keep kind of those, those boundaries on either side to keep us working forward? Because if people come with an expectation to work on the morning to do the morning work, and then we find ourselves over here talking about the importance of, of adoption, or spay and neuter or now we're distracted from those are important things. Those are important things, but for for a different event. We got to recenter
Coleen Ellis 24:20
not today. Yeah, yeah. Today we're going to talk about how our heart just got shattered.
Collin 24:26
So when we reaching out to the community, we've talked a little bit about the importance of naming the event and what to use, how do we approach people in our community to start inviting them to it what does how do we make sure that that without seeming like a downer event and getting people that it is something that they can and should attend
Coleen Ellis 24:46
you know, I would really keep it anchored on the love we have for our animals. And you know, I did I did a I did a ceremony last night or a it was kind of podcast it with best friends out of out of Utah, and we did an event and they called that love lives on. And that was our dedication to, for national pet memorial day and month. And just to kind of unpack some of these questions and feelings that grieving pet parents might have. So they called that one love lives on. So again, it can be called, you know, honoring the pets and the love they give. Celebrating the lives of our animals celebrating unconditional love, you know, there's a there's a whole lot of things that it can be called in our subtitle, can say, honoring the past and in celebrating, you know, in tribute, a tribute to the future, something like that, as we can honor the past and honor the one and pay tribute to the ones that we have with us. So I think it's, first of all, figuring out how we can say what it is. Because sometimes I think people get too caught up and trying to call it something else. So it doesn't seem like it's going to be a sad event. And then you're like, I don't even know what I'm going to what am I going to what's happening? Right? Yeah, let's, let's call it what it is, you know, and, and if it's a celebration of life, and the subtitle is honoring Pat, honoring the pets in our past, okay, good, I made that, I get that. And I know what we're gonna do. And maybe what we do in there, as we as we talk about, you know, this particular person who's going to be an MC, who we all know, in our community is a lover of animals. And we're going to have some readings, and maybe we have a, you know, something that we can do as a as a community to sign up a board that can hang down at the local shelter, I got a tie, I'm gonna I'm gonna digress one second here. This is another something you can do at your ceremony. When when we look at this ceremony, this is a doing thing, right, which is such an active part, or such an active mourning process. Morning is the doing part of it. So first of all, they're coming to the event. So there's a doing process. When they get there, I'm going to give you two ideas. One of the things that I tested in man, it worked so beautifully. And the test version of it was so ugly, I was almost embarrassed, but it worked. I went over to Home Depot, and I got myself a piece of two by four plywood. And I painted that darn thing with some chalkboard paint. And at the top I put honoring our journey, celebrating our paths, I did it different honoring our journey, whatever my event was, but this one let's talk about then honoring our pets. And then I had
27:34
a whole bunch of markers there. And I gotta tell you, people, people flocked
Coleen Ellis 27:39
to that board to be able to write their pet's name down, there's nothing more beautiful than the name right? And they flocked to that board to write their pet's name down. And then and then you know what they did, they turned around and took a selfie. And they posted it. And they said Today I'm at this event, and I honored my precious buddy. And I'm honoring him at this event today. So there's one idea The second idea. And I may need you to take notes on this and send this out. There is a an absolutely genius invention piece out there right now that I've been using it a lot of my functions, and it is called a puli machine. P vo o o li Puli. And I wish that I got it out of my craft room and had it here so I can show you. So here's the deal with a puli machine, I have an app on my phone, it connects to the cooling machine. And I find a picture on my phone. And I and I print it. It's a little tiny printer, it prints a little two by two picture. It prints a little two by two picture with a sticky back. And so that's another way that people can text me their picture. Or I take a picture if we're going to do a blessing, I can take a picture of them and their pet and boom, I can print it right there and place it up on a board and I can capture all the pets that were there today. And then as a part of what we're going to do from our pet sitting company, I'm going to take this over to XYZ shelter. We're going to hang it on the wall and we're going to make a donation to the shelter. Just an idea. But man those Puli machines who I'm having a blast with those little dudes, oh boy, I'm having a blast. Having a blast. I just we just had my mom's 80th birthday party. And for every guest that came in I took a picture of her with that guests like put it next to it on the register book. And then they wrote their note to her right next to their picture. It was priceless. The little bit and it's like 100 bucks on Amazon. It's just goofy, silly, but it's it's a beautiful thing to do in a pet event.
Collin Funkhouser 29:41
Well, it's a reminder that the things that we are doing here, they don't have to be big. They don't have to be complicated. They don't have to be this big show production with lights and fog and big bands or whatever and printing out arenas. They can be as simple as necessary because what the important part is is the why Behind the event, that is why people are coming there for a very specific personal purpose that they have not for this other stuff. And it's focusing on that, that at the end of the day will really be what what people take away from that event.
Coleen Ellis 30:14
There was something you said in there prompted me to think about this, if you think about where are we going to have this thing? Where are we going to have it? Yeah, I would encourage you to look at, you know, our, our animals are very much outside things that aren't they. So whether it's at a local dog park or on a, on a local little riverbank, or in a you know, at a at a shelter in their side yard, you know, really look at it that manner. Now, those go to a shelter I had in Indianapolis, I had the Marion County Humane Society that twice a year had an event there. And we allowed people to come in and and you know, we honor the pets and the life they share in the love they shared. So you may also have organizations like that, that have a room that you can go to and you can use. So think about it in that manner. Let's think about you know, there's a marketing, there's a marketing phrase, and it's called doing something sticky, sticky, okay. And sticky is, is I want them I want to give them something that's going to stick. And it's going to constantly remind them of Colin and his pet sitting business. Okay, so there's some really cool sticky things that we can get packets of Forget Me Not flower seeds, and put our logo on it and our business card, I would do those in the in the springtime, I'm sorry, in the fall, spring, in the fall, what I would do is I would give two LED bulbs, so they could go out and they could return some color to the world that their pet gave to them. And so we would give out tulip bulbs that they could go home and plant. If I was at a shelter, I would give everybody a tulip bulb and we'd go outside and plant them and put them right there on the ground so all the animals could be together. So there's some really cool sticky things that you can do that are nice marketing take home pieces for them.
Collin 32:00
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Coleen Ellis 33:03
You know, I've already said this to Collin, I think as much structure as we can give to the service as possible is going to be the most healing. And what I'm about to say I say very respectfully to you and to all of our listeners here. As much as it feels like it would be a good idea to open up and to allow people to share their pet's names or to share stories. What I have found in my quite a few years of experience, what I have found is that sometimes that really goes off, it takes off and it goes off into tangents that are really tough to get back on the rails. And so rather than making it really awkward for everyone, that's the reason I like to do the table with butcher paper. Because they get a they get to write all their pet's names down on there, they still get to call them out. If I'm doing a video, they sent their pictures to me, okay, so they get the opportunity to have their names written to see their pets pictures up there, they've gotten that opportunity. And so I have found to not open up the group to share names, because what will happen is you'll have the first one that will go back to being two years old and remembering that pet and they'll go through all and we love our pet lovers, don't we? And they've got a lot of them. They've got a lot of them. Yeah. And then before you know what, 30 minutes into it, you're like, how do I get this back on the rails? Because everybody is uncomfortable and twitching in their seats. And it's just, it's not worth it. And I and I want you to know that. Another question that I that maybe you came up with what with what I just said is how long
34:38
should this be? Let me tell you something. 20 minutes is fine. 25 minutes is fine.
Coleen Ellis 34:45
And maybe that's your ceremony and maybe afterwards then you have an opportunity that people can mingle around together and they can share together and they can hug each other and you've got some soft music playing and you have a little bit you know the one thing that we always do when When we know there's been a death is we have food, right? We have food. And so maybe we have an opportunity that we've got food or maybe we end up with a final wine toast or a you know, we've got soda and punch whatever it may be. I was telling Colin, I think Tony Colin, as we were getting on, on with our, our episode today, that my children's book just came out. And one of the things I did in the children book for the kitty cats was we did a memorial service in there a sample memorial service that a child can do. And of course, it wrapped up with food, and the food was a kitty litter cake. And I don't know if anybody on here has ever made a kitty litter. Kay, Dr. Mary Gardner's my co author, and she about died when I said we're putting a kitty litter cake in there. And she kind of like, did a gagging you know, reflex. She's like, What, but it's delicious. So it's actually cake that you crumble up and then you crumble up cookies, and then you melt tootsie rolls in the in the microwave, and you lay it, why? And then you serve it with the kitty litter scoop. And if you can close your eyes and get past how it looks, it is the most delicious cake you've ever tasted.
Collin 36:15
I do I do because it's such a reminder that that while these are times for for tears and for remorse and for for mourning, there's still time for laughter and joy. And there is still that that that is actually an another part of the morning work is having those moments of of laughter of community of people coming together. And making a moment out of that that's going to it's going to be a memory for them. But they're going to have now.
Coleen Ellis 36:46
Yeah, and let me tell you something, when the day comes that I do a memorial service for my precious little one year pussycat named Rudy, let me tell you what will happen. And this is what I would do at my memorial service. If I was hosting it, I would take one or two of those little tootsie rolls, and I would put them right outside of the litter box. Because that's what he does. He canes, his hiney right over the litter box, kind of like mama will get this I know she will. And imagine the other families that that happens to and they look down, they're like, oh my gosh, that was so handy, always pooped outside the litter box.
Collin Funkhouser 37:21
It's such personal touches that can come in, that people are going to be able to connect with, right and that's and now now it's this, it's a lot of this work is is remembering things that they haven't experienced in a long time of that may trigger some memories of them going, oh my gosh, I remember when we were going through litter training and remember those things. And now all of a sudden you've got conversations, you have them focusing on the journey that they have been on, you have them focusing on this stuff that now becomes these healing memories that they will carry for for the rest of their lives.
Coleen Ellis 37:55
Yeah. And you know, I know our I know, our listeners can't see this, but I've got a soda bottle here. Okay. And I think grief is a lot like the soda bottle. It's like a shaken up soda bottle, okay, and I've shaken it up, and I've shaken it up, and I've shaken it up. And now I have a trigger. And let's just say this memorial service we're talking about the celebration of life is my trigger, okay. And I go there, and I've never released, I've never had a release, because I've always bottled it. And I've always pushed it now. It's like my Chopin shaken up soda bottle. And now I go to the memorial service. And I take this lid off all at once. We know what happens, right? And so it now it's this explosion of emotion, because I just kept pushing it down. Because everybody told me, he was a grumpy old cat. Everybody told me I don't know how you loved him. You never showed his face. But at the end of the day that mommy loved him so very, very much. And all she wants is a place to go and to say, I love you. I'm sorry, my baby. And I hope one day I see you again, whatever it is, they want to say I don't care. I just want to give them the space. I want us as facilitators to be able to lean in and say it's all safe right here. Whatever you got, it's safe right here?
Collin 39:14
Well, that's a good reminder that we need to come expecting some some big emotions, big responses. So for the people who are facilitating who are organizing this, how do we work with that? And how do we help people in that in that moment of their big release?
Coleen Ellis 39:32
You know, I think it's knowing first of all and giving permission, I always give that permission in the beginning there's going to be tears and listen, if you're going to cry somewhere. This is the perfect place to cry. Because at the end of the day, it takes strength to bring those tears tears are not weakness. Tears are strength and so permission to have those right here for me, and I know I've never met you in person column, but man I'm a hugger. And so after these events by arms are tired, because I just go give people those squeezes that they need in and to say, I'm so sorry about your shattered heart. I'm so sorry. Let those tears fall, he deserves every one of them. And don't you let anybody else tell you any different. So we need to be comfortable. We need to be comfortable with a couple things, Kallen, we need to be comfortable with the emotion and to say it's going to happen. And we don't, you know, what I want to encourage our listeners to do is is to provide a healthy, a very healthy support. And not to say things like up at you are a great mommy. Because right now I don't feel like a good mommy, you had 19 good years. Yeah, but I wanted 20. You know, so for us as companions, it's a to be really comfortable with leaning in, and hugging, and saying I'm sorry, and to be comfortable with the emotion. The second thing that we need to be really comfortable with, is to be okay with shutting our mouth, we need it, we need to just be able to sit there or to hug him. And to not believe we're going to say something that's going to take it away. Because we're not, it's not going to happen. And just be really comfortable with a hug that says so sorry. And let it go. Let it go shut your mouth. Shut your mouth.
Collin 41:21
It's, it's amazing. When I think about this, about how I comfort our kids, when they stub their toe, or they scrape their knee, you know, a hug them and say, that hurts real bad, doesn't it? And then hold them. And they're going to cry. And they're going to they're going to work through that. And then they're going to be done. And I can imagine holding somebody going, that hurts. hurts real bad right now.
Coleen Ellis 41:47
I gotta tell you, I stand corrected, because what you just said, it is an act of empathy statement, which is so much better than a passive sympathy statement. And go with what you said, man, it hurts government. It totally hurts.
Collin 42:02
Yeah, it kind of digs back into this this permission that what my feeling right now. Okay, and for maybe for the first time I feel seen in experiencing instead of alone in my bed at night. Now I'm here with somebody going, they recognize that they see that?
Coleen Ellis 42:21
Yeah, yeah. And I know if I cry in front of them, they're not going to talk me out of it, they're not going to shame me, they're not going to tell me it's been a year, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, just man that hurts, hurts, hurts.
Collin 42:37
And that is again, that's part of that process. And they I think just personally, sometimes you have to hear that a couple times before you start believing it and you start being able to recognize because if we have bottled it up, if we are that soda can where we have we've gotten real good at pushing it away. I'm amazing at tamping down and keeping that closed, that's still that's going to be the our go to muscle whenever those start to come up again. And we start to have that we start to have that again. And instead of letting that release in that healthy way. And that's, that becomes a process that we have to do. And I think that's been something I've been thinking about as well of, of after we've had the event. Okay, we've we've done the event, we're walking away with the bubble release, we're sitting there, what, what kinds of things come next of for that community? As far as I'm keeping that support, there are people keeping people connected?
Coleen Ellis 43:32
You know, I think we need to question ourselves to see what we have the capacity to handle. And if if we a mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually don't have the capacity to handle it, let's find somebody who does. And I can assure you within your community, there's a social worker, there's a mental health professional, there's a pet loss support person, there's something there that as we end our ceremony, and we give them active morning, things that they can continue to do at home. Let's also be able to say and we've got Sally in the room who's here for continued support until we gather again next year, she's going to be there to help you and to support you and to to help you with your grief journey. And we'll be right back here. same bat time, same bat place next year, we'll be right here. We're gonna do this again, you know, kind of a deal, but let's not leave him hanging for a year. Let's see if we can throw in a, you know, in the resources. Gosh, there should be just countless resources that we have in our markets that we can turn to to add into our village to be as a part of part of the support. Support aspect.
Collin Funkhouser 44:37
Yeah, no, I really liked that idea of you know, a lot of us will have pet sitters have really good connections with with vets with groomers with other pet sitters and I think starting there with getting them connected with having pamphlets, brochures, other resources that they can recommend and continue to have on hand. So that as as somebody moves from their vet to their groomer to their or trainer to that they see the connectedness between there and the support system that they actually have.
Coleen Ellis 45:06
Yes, exactly. And you know, let's go to who we're going to invite. Let's invite all of them. Yeah, all of them, they need to come. And we create a flyer, we go out on social media, we shout it from the rooftops. Those are the perfect, perfect places to tell the story and invite the folks to come to our event.
Collin Funkhouser 45:25
Yeah, because again, we were again, thinking back to our, our purposes here, I do think one is giving people that space and permission to grieve. I also think another purpose should be to help build that community of support. And when somebody knows that, oh, it's there are a lot of people out here and not just other pet parents, but a lot of other pet professionals for everything from the the shelter manager all the way to the groomer and the trainer, and everyone in between. All of a sudden, we what are we doing that we're we're kind of we're elevating all of this. And all of a sudden, everything becomes a little bit more acceptable to have and give their own permission when they're out in public. It makes the community more friendly towards those kinds of experiences.
Coleen Ellis 46:08
Exactly, exactly. You know, and as we're in as we're nearing our time here, I want to I want to leave, I want to leave, I want to give you two statements. Statement number one is when we honor death, we honor life. And I don't think there's anything more that can model it more than what we have going on right now with the queen staff. And in watching as we honor death, we have been, but as they honor her death, now they're showing her life, right? So when we honor death, we honor life. And I've said this statement as well, a gazillion times, and she had it, she had it printed on a lot of her stuff which says, the the the grief that we have is the price we pay for love. Powerful, isn't it powerful. When we love we grieve, and love and grief are equal. There's no way they can't be equal. They're always equal. And so this venue, this platform, this ceremony, it gives us the opportunity to, to take that grief and and into to reframe it and to say it's because I loved it's because I loved that I'm grieving.
Collin Funkhouser 47:20
And that, again, circles back to all of this, of why this process is so important that people need this release. Because when the grief isn't recognized, let's connect those two when the grief isn't recognized, the love is forgotten or denied entirely. When they don't have that outlet. All of a sudden, it's like this major process of did I ever love was Was that ever a thing? And a lot of these questions come in, and then what that that's followed by guilt, because I'm not experiencing this, there's so many things that get unpacked when the mourning work is done. And the grief process is walked through of that acknowledgement that honor of a life that they've had. And now the connecting back and recognizing, oh, this was this is the love that I get to carry now forward.
Coleen Ellis 48:01
Exactly, exactly. And it becomes a part of who we are, you know, and I always tell, I always tell people, and this is kind of how I wrap up my ceremonies to, as I say, Listen, you know, when when, when the loss is really raw, and it's really fresh. What we really focus on are the final moments. And that's fair, it's very, very fair, when the fog begins to lift, and we have some clarity. Now what we can focus on is the entire life. And then the question I have is what did you learn from them? What did you learn from them? Because when you when you really unpack it, and you say I learned this lesson, and every day I'm going to do this lesson, because then they get to live on. And the second part of that too is you know, as people come to our ceremonies, and I've had people in my pet loss and grief companioning classes that have honored pets that have died when they were in their childhood. And this one young lady said to me, I never got to pay tribute to him. And he was my childhood dog and X amount of years later, she's still she found that she was having some grief bursts now. And I'm all about these grief bursts I met Miko has been gone almost 20 years and my husband and I were out to dinner the other night. And I had a great burst and it's not because I'm stock. It's just we were talking about our man I got to miss dinner. I got to miss in there and I felt sorry for the waiters. He came by as I was having a little meltdown there. And my husband said we're just we're remembered a little puppy that we miss and you know kind of scooting on for a minute too. So we could get ready but for so okay. Through okay. And I you know why I love when they happen, Colin. I love when they happen because it reminds me it was real. It reminds me it was real. And I don't ever want to forget that it wasn't real. I love that.
Collin 49:54
Because again, that's that's part of who we are. And we can start actively when we don't exist. allege that we kind of actively deny part of our, our past our life. And like that, like that was didn't exist. And I, I think this is especially difficult when dealing with children and pet loss. And so recognizing that children will be here as well, and that they have some very specific things that we need to help walk them through. And I do know that, that you actually have some some children's books and working with pet grief. And you mentioned the one with with cats and stuff. So I am curious to know kind of where and how that works and why it's important to focus on children here. And then kind of and what those books are, because I think they're amazing resources.
Coleen Ellis 50:40
Thank you. First of all, the books are forever friend. And they come in a kitty cat version and a doggy version forever friend dot pet is the website. You know, Colin, I'm gonna guess you and I know I can speak for me one of the very first loss I had was my was my animal, right, my childhood animal and that a lot of times is our very first loss that we can remember is a is a family pet. And so the the power of bringing a child to her event, the power of the two books that Dr. Mary Gardner and I just released, the power of those is in the family coming together and sitting down and talking about this together. And so when we get allow children to come to our event, and maybe we have a little children's corner where they paint a rock with the animals name on that they can take home, okay, very sticky. There's a beautiful sticky project, right? They take it home, every time they see that rock and their rock garden, they remember you, but gives them that's an active morning thing for the children where they get to get involved. And we get to talk to them about how it's okay to grieve and cry because we too, we to miss buddy. And let's show them what's normal. Instead of saying, well, he's just gone to the farm, or he went for his final grooming, whatever, whatever thing we believe we can say, to make it go away quickly. Right? Let's, let's bring him let's talk about it together. That within itself gives us the healthy movement that we need to do for our children and to show them it is okay. It's okay to cry. It's okay to miss them. It's okay to be angry. Okay. And I as I as a pet loss professional, Colin, one of the things I do with children is I kind of go off by myself. And I tell the kids, you can come ask me whatever question you want to ask me. And I'm going to answer it for you. And I get things from How hot does the cremation machine get? To? How does my Great Dane fit in that little bitty box? To do pets go to heaven? So whatever you want, come ask me, I'd rather you ask me and I answer your question. Because if I know you're gonna either make it up or talk about it on the playground, you're all going to come up with your answer. Right?
Collin Funkhouser 52:51
Yeah, it's recognizing that all of these skills and all of these processes that we are helping adults with the earlier you know, the more than helping children mourn in a healthy way is setting them up for success later in life. And instead of taking all these misconceptions and preconceived notions that are not healthy in the bottling, and keeping it inside the denying the these things, turning to unhealthy forms of coping mechanisms, helping kids in that process of recognizing this is natural, this is okay, this is how we're gonna do and look at the community around you to help you. What a beautiful way to help continue that.
Coleen Ellis 53:29
I love it. I love it. And these events, like what we're talking about, kudos to you for bringing this subject up. And kudos for anyone on here wanting to do this. And I gotta tell you, I want to, I want to make sure that everybody knows I am here as a resource, I am happy to help in any way because I, I can do these, these, these functions in my sleep. So I'm here, I help you out in any way. I'll give you a script, I'll do whatever you need. So just let me know.
Collin Funkhouser 53:55
Yeah, I would love to have hit you up for some links and stuff to include in the show notes for resources people can get connected with. Colleen, thank you so much for this today and for encouraging us in this process. And this very important work that we as pet professionals have the opportunity to do for our community to help those heal and come together in a very important way that they don't have in their in from walk day to day. So how can people get connected with you find your work and start hunting around for some resources.
Coleen Ellis 54:28
So two hearts pet loss center to hearts pet loss center, you can connect up through there, send me an email through there. And Colin, I'm actually going to send you some links to some of my past memorial services. That way they can actually have a visual to what these might look like. So I'm going to send those links to you as well some scripts and things like that, and then you can get them out to your out to your group. But I'm always here to help round out too. So shoot me a message up there to hearts pet law center I'm on I'm on social so you can go out and find to Lourdes pet Last winter, and message me through there as well. Sweet,
Collin 55:02
thank you so much. And I will have all those links on the episode and in the show notes. So people can click to those and get connected and, and really start helping those in their community with this. So Callie, thank you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you coming on today.
55:15
Thank you.
Collin 55:17
Have you ever heard of that pet last memorial event? I know when Meghan and I first stumbled on to the concept, it really seemed quite foreign to us. And we weren't sure if it was something that we would be interested in hosting. But the more we thought about it, the more that we realized that our clients are the kind of people who would attend an event like this, our clients are the kind of clients that need this event in their life. And so when we set ours up, it was very simple, very straightforward, a table, some handouts, some bubbles, and some poems. And that was enough to bring people out who really needed to be there. The beauty of hosting an event like this is you really can make it your own and curtail it to the people that you want to reach and make a safe open space for people to come to and grieve and go through that mourning journey because they don't have it anywhere else in their life. And that's something that we could do to make all of our communities just a little bit better. We want to thank our sponsors today time to pet and pet sitters International. And we really want to thank you so much for listening for all the feedback, all the support that you give. We hope you have a wonderful rest of your week. And we'll be back again soon.
